Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I did a Marathon! Whoo-Hoo, and Bring on the French Fries!

6 hours and 45 minutes later, I'd crawled my way to the finish line.

 How IN. THE. WORLD. DID. SHE. DO. IT? you ask?
French Fries. and lots and lots of motivational speeches that I randomly gave myself throughout the race.

But mostly it was the promise of french fries. And a million dollars. (One little lie I told myself during the last leg of the race-try it! It really works!)

And the promise of a beautiful, golden Mickey Medal . I knew I couldn't go home without one. So, basically it was either get that damn Mickey Medal or be forced to be homeless and live a life of utter and complete shame all the rest of my days.

Yep, that's the one that got me.
Did I mention french fries?

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Bring on the Magic! It's Marathon Time!

It's the New Year and I ate a goat-cheese sandwich.

Yes, folks, its come to this. I'm lookin' for some magic!
How else do you expect me to even attempt to finish the upcoming Disney Marathon that I've signed up for, and in fact will be here in....*gasp*!...2 more days!

Paper bag, please, quickly, my lungs are about to collapse.

People, do you realize its 26.2 miles looooonnnngggg??? How could you let me? Why didn't you immediately order the straight jacket and the dudes with the big long needles?

I know what I said... 'I'm training, I believe in myself'' PHooey. Balooey, mo-mo Kapooey! What a bunch of high pitched nasal drivel!
Breathe....Breathe....Breathe....Yes, I'm in labor....I'M TRYING TO GET THE FEAR OUT OF ME!

Fine. Whatever. I've heard pistachios are miracle workers...and lemon juice cures large warts...and eating bark off trees will give you more stamina than you ever thought possible. All I know for sure: Candy is the most important ingredient of LIFE. Without it, you can't do anything. Thank goodness I have some Hot Tamales hidden in my dresser drawer. Sheesh!

Next time you see me, I'll be:
1. Dead OR
2. Lazily relaxing in the hotel hot-tub after being picked up and forced out of the race by the 'follow the rules' Disney enforcers because I was going wayyyyy tooooo slllloooooowwwww. OR
3. Grinning like a Chesire Cat, trying to sell my newly won Mickey Medal on ebay because I heard its real gold. Or maybe I just dreamed that.
4. Eating a HUGE lollipop from the store near Cinderella's Castle and waving wildly as Barry runs by because I came to my senses in the nick of time...

I'll keep you posted friends.
If you call being a friend, "Let's watch the little idiot try this"...

"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep, a dream is so stupid sometimes, that you realize you really just needed to...*beep*...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Its almost Christmas and my back is killin' me!

I love Christmas! I love getting together with loved ones near and far, singing all the ol' carols around great grandmas's piano, and the quiet stillnes of the starfilled night as I nuzzle with my husband waiting for Jolly Old St. Nicholas...

Stop it! (Excuse me while I slap myself across the face.)

Forgive me friends, for I have lied. Yes, to you, my only friends in all the world. Okay, that was another lie, I do have some friends here locally, well two, and a few scattered across the country...Anywhoo....

The truth is I have been a SCROOGE this year!!! bah humbug.  And there is no piano. Not to mention I haven't seen the old fat guy in the red suit for a long, looooonnnnng time.
(Hold on, I wanna see what I look like in the extreme mega-magnified make-up mirror right now. Heaven hep' me! Them frown lines is deep.)

 I blame Walmart! Let's raise our fists in agreement!  I mean, who isn't grumpy after seeing the humanity that IS Wally World out in mass force this time of year. The too-tight sausage leggin's, tobacco chewin', Miss Clairol #9  fight over the vacuum cleaner sale was too much for me.

Not really. I enjoyed it.
Let's face it. I don't know why I'm like this...

Oh, let's face it again. Yes I do.

My CHILRENS are all grown up and aren't coming home for Christmas this year! Except for one. The good, perfect, angelic child who will get ALL of the presents. kiss, kiss, hug, hug....

I feel better now. A good roll-around-on-the-floor emotional breakdown always seems to put things in perspective.

I shall now sip the spiked eggnog two weeks early and prepare myself for the New Year!

Well, friends, until we meet again I bid you 'adieu in my very best high pitched vibrato-

 "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

Yes, dahlings, I dress like this all the time now....I find it helps when I sing... 

Friday, September 2, 2011

What NOT to do on Labor Day Weekend

But first, before I begin this litany of  "DO NOTS", here's the update on my visit to Colorado Springs, CO.

Upon arrival, my middle daughter, the one who's just left for TWO YEARS and is now living in SCOTLAND...(hold on, I've got to go lay down for awhile, freak out and hum koom-by-yah--I'll be back in two years)

Anyway, she picked me up at the airport and then we went straight to our favorite French restaurant in all the world, 'Marigolds'. Angels sang the moment I entered it's bakery doors, and that's when I knew this was going to be a great trip!  Granted it's the only French restaurant I've been to, but that's not the point. The point, my friends, is that we began our World Food Tour, and it was mucho delicioso, or as we say in pig latin, osay oodgay.

The other point is that I definitely have 'obese potential'  and will have to fight diligently all the days of my life to not end up on The Biggest Loser, wearing nothing but spandex and a sports bra.
(I'm laying down back in a few)

 The goal of the trip was to show, teach, convince, cajole, and FORCE daughter number 1 to have a cute apartment. It's that simple, it's being said through gritted teeth and that's why she's sooooo glad I'm her mother. (If somebody named Claire comments on this post, don't believe a word of it)

So that's what we did. We ate...Marigolds, Old Chicago, La Casita...dangit, we forgot about Montagues!...
we shopped, we cooked, (yes, we also cooked. There were certain homemade meals that had to be part of our world food tour...I know.) we watched 12 chick flicks  and we decorated. We painted, we went for walks, and then we decorated some more.  It was in fact, the perfect vacation. We talked until our throats were hoarse, laughed our heads off, and met Claire's new guy, watched new guy break up, saw new guy come back.

I By the way, the garage sales were FABULOUS. I would give you the run down of everything we got and how much we paid, but trust me. It'll just send you into a depression and then you'll have to go lay down for awhile...

But here's something that might cheer you up:

Labor Day Dont's:

1. DON'T rain 20 inches over the weekend. In other words, DO NOT invite a tropical storm to your Labor Day festivities. I cannot emphasize this enough.
That's it in a nutshell. And that's exactly what is happening before my very eyes as I type. It's pouring down rain, it's supposed to keep on pouring down rain, and then by Tuesday morning, on the way back to work the sun is supposed to appear.

Have a great weekend!! I know I will?