Hey, Lady, it's just a gift...

The great road trip of 2010 is in full swing, and as  I sit here in Pearl, M-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-crooked letter-crooked letter-i-humpback-humpback-i, (Pearl, Missippi that is)  I'm thrilled to say it's started with a bang!

The proverbial white elephant gift exchange with Mr. Wonderful's family. You've never seen so much hair snatching, smack talk with a distinct ghetto feel to it. As in, 'you touch my present, I will cut you'. And this was with a $10 price point.
Ahhhh, Christmas.....

Actually, it was all very fun and pleasant, especially with Granny's rumballs available whenever you needed one. More rum than ball, and not a switchblade in sight. However, we did have two very nice guests attending, two innocents from the great land of India.

Abraham and Reba. They were scared. I could tell from the look in their eyes...and they should be. Because we might not 'cut you' with our knives, but if you DARE touch my Walmart gift card which came disguised as a sausage roll, and I had to worry that I was going to get a big ol' log of gross deer meat turned into sausage, then felt the glee that it was really MONEY, well....you don't mess with that. That's some strong emotion going on. Hey, where are the rum balls?

So, yes, we had a wonderful time! And we scored! My hands are lotiony soft as we speak, scented with  peppermint snowflakes,  and Mr. Wonderful is cozy in his new fleece pullover.  Except for the fact  Mr. Wonderful kept accidentally slipping into a fake Indian accent every time he conversed with Abraham. Sheesh!
I could swear I saw Abraham flash some metal at him...

A little touch of bitterness has set in...

Hey everybody!
How are you today? Lovin' that Christmas spirit, looking forward to magical moments with friends and family and all that jazz? We're only 9 days away...

Whatever.
All that joy has been swallowed up in one horrible shocking moment, from which I am still trying to recover.
THE SCALE.
It.Hates.Me.

There, I said it, and NOOOO, I am not being a drama-queen.
Fact: I have been diligently tracking my food intake, ( I love sounding clinical about things that nobody cares about), AND I have also been sweating my buns off every.single.day...for 4 weeks.
Fact: I have lost 2 pounds. (Hold on, I've got to scream into my pillow now)

My so-called friend, AMANDA, ( I hate to mention names, but I will when trash talking friends behind their backs. Of course, she usually reads this blog which makes it even better) who has challenged me to a death defying weight loss goal of 20 pounds by Feb. 1, has lost 6 pounds. While eating potato soup and grits...and not going to the gym for days!

How dare her????

Granted, she has been sick for a week, and hasn't been able to leave her house. But, right before our weigh in today, she said, and I quote, "Oh, I'm dreading this. You won't believe all the food I've eaten". Or maybe she said it right after, and saw with great joy that she had just won our 'mini-challenge'.
I get to treat her to a manicure/pedicure.
A hideous, vile, and evil something or other is out to get me.
Hold on, I've got to go throw eggs at a moving vehicle, or at least swing the neighbors cat around by it's tail...

Okay, I'm back. Wonder how many calories that burned?

At least my nails are gonna look pretty.

And then there were two...

My oldest child has graduated from college!
Now, she's headed off to the 'wild blue yonder' to make her fortune and prepare for my monthly white-gloved visits...(Once a mother, always a mother. ' Um, have you flossed today?' 'Darling, you need lipstick.')

No, the reality of it is she's moving to Colorado and she had to kick me off while I cried, clinging to her leg.
*Sigh*...children. Why don't they get it?  That, yes, we want them to leave the nest, but all that means is move across the street?! Otherwise,  how are we going to have coffee every morning together? How are my dreams going to be fulfilled with you happily nestled in a snow bank?  

Oh, yeah...it's not about my dreams. Ooopsie, I forgot!
Claire graduating from college with her degree in History has fulfilled one of my greatest dreams.
This road has not been an easy one, which makes it all the more...well, MORE.
More Joyous!
More Proud!
More Happy!
More Relieved!
MORE!! (Sung with a slight vibrato in the key of 'C')

Did I ever tell you Claire could barely read by the third grade? That I homeschooled her in the fourth grade, and drilled Hooked on Phonics, until we both wanted to die?! That she repeated sixth grade...?

You've never met a child who loved the silent 'e' more than her. When she wasn't sure how to spell a word, she'd throw in a few extra 'silent e's'  until it looked just right. Hey, they're silent after all...

In her fifth grade year, I walked into the bathroom after she had showered, and saw written on the steamy mirror..."I am stuuped. I hate my sef."  Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

Did I ever tell you she took honors classes in high school? That she was a peer leader, and went on to earn a dean's scholarship her freshmen year of college? Did I tell you she worked as a Nanny and helped with a little girl's  homework  for three years? A little girl who also struggles with school and because of Claire's own experiences, she had an understanding and patience that impressed her employers?
 

 Let the grinning from ear to ear begin...

 Sweet Brianna...

 Sisters, sisters...they're were never such devoted sisters...many men have tried to split them up and noone can....

Moppy and Poppy!! Hugs, and Kisses, and more Hugs and Kisses...

 Grandma and Ted! And more Hugs and Kisses!

 Daddy!! She always was a daddy's girl...

Mommy! Mommy, why do you have a vice grip around my neck? Yes, I'm still moving to Colorado.  Mommy, you're hurting me...

More grinning from ear to ear...

Hey, who's this cutie-patootie?!  He's happy we're about to go have lunch.

Aunt NeNe and Uncle Wayne! And Madi! Have we brainwashed you yet, that Madi should attend Lee?

Jackson and Cole and FIRE!!! Awesome!

Did I tell you that love never fails?  And that it was proven this past weekend when our family came together, in the spirit of love, and acceptance, and  forgiveness, and  joyfully gathered to celebrate together this momentous occasion?

Gosh, I haven't told you alot of things!! Meet me here for coffee tomorrow morning, I want to hear all about what's been going on with you, and tell you about my latest diet crisis...(can you say, 'arc trainer?')

Why, Yes I Did, Thankyou for Asking

It's times like these and friends like you that make me want to...
Smile? Noooooo.... Scream with the agony of defeat? Maaayyybeee...
 Why? Because, Father, I have sinned and I would really prefer to confess anonymously  from behind a thick curtain. The curtain of shame.  But no. Instead I will post my foibles, my flaws, my terrible gluttonous tendencies on the world wide web for all to see and Judge.

Let me put it to you this way. I hath eateneth more than I shouldeth...

Spark People was no match for Turkey Day. The motivational talks, the promises I made to myself, the tracking of the food...wasted. Totally wasted.   My downfall began with TWO FABULOUS Thanksgiving meals, one with turkey, one with ham, then a football party, laden with marvelously fattening hors d'oeuvres, where in fact Mr. Wonderful tried to keep me from having dessert. BIG MISTAKE. I had the World Wrestling Federation threaten to sue for stealing some of their most famous moves. (Once I had him in the headlock, punchdown, knee-in-the-groin twist around,  he knew it was over. Give the fat girl her pie.)  Then a  road trip from Alabama to Georgia, and on to Tennesee.

But, I'm back now. I woke up at 5:30am, went to the Y, and DIED. This is my ghost writing these words...