He's Not Sick, He's Dead

My Daily Confessional: Pssst. Hey you...

Let me get straight to the point. I. am. a. horrible. nurse.  I would just as soon KILL you than nurse you back to health. Unless you're between the ages of newborn to five years old and have white blonde hair, or dark brown curly hair and big hazel, brown, or blue eyes. Then I don't mind. I will rock you and sing to you and tend to you gently and softly until the morning sun rises over yon hill.

You're how old?  Sorry I've just pulled your life support.

Granny and Grandaddy, I've killed your child. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't help myself.
*big sigh*  

Here we have the terribly ill man upon his sick bed, yet he somehow maintains the strength to work the remote control.


Poor Mr. Wonderful has been sick for a week. A WEEK. Do you understand what I'm saying? I ask you,  Do you know what men are like when they are sick? (Sorry 'bout wrapping both hands around your throat just then and violently shaking you).   I asked  him nicely on day three to move to a nursing home but he wouldn't do it. By day five, I went to our liquor cabinet for a little relief. After searching frantically through every room in this house I came to the shocking realization THERE IS NO LIQUOR CABINET!

After sipping a bottle of Gatorade mixed with a little 'Old Bay' seasoning, I knew what to do.

Can you say pillow?!  Psycho laughter is now merrily ringing through the halls of justice. What does that even mean? Don't ask me because  I don't know! I 've obviously snapped.

As you can see, he offered the pillow and I took him up on his kind offer. Or maybe he was hiding his unshaven sickly face from being photographed. Whatever. It doesn't really matter anymore.

It's day seven and he's sleeping quietly now, FOREVER. 'Glory glory hallelujah, glory, glory hallelujah...' she sang as she gently rocked back and forth.

 The sound of his hacking cough just pierced my eardrum.

$50 bucks says he won't go to the doctor tomorrow...$500 says if he doesn't, I'm gonna kill him. For real this time.

OOPSIE! I FORGOT...

Oops! Recipe Correction:

For the Outta-This-World Cheese Grit recipe, you need two more ingredients:

Add one cup of milk when you add the eggs; and sprinkle the rest of the cheese on top when you bake.

I love me some GREE-UTS.

It's been a mah-ve-lous and extravagant week here at 'fatcamp'. From the ectasy of buttery croissants  filled with chicken salad good enough to make you break out in the Hallelujah chorus, and kiss the Queen Mums'soft...

hand.

 

to THEE-US,  Butta-rey  Brow-own gree-uts. Golden  and delicious, these cheese grits are THE BEST  IN THE WORLD!! Don't take my word for it. Make them yourself...I double dog dare you. But I must warn you: Your life will never be the same. If you allow your virgin-cheesegrit lips to taste them, you will have periodic night sweats with cravings so strong you'll have to bite a strip of leather to keep yourself from licking them straight from the pan.

Only these grits. I didn't even care for the chickenfeed before.  Now I've got an obsession bordering on addiction, bordering on a severe case of hoarding with a touch of IBS.  Gee, Thanks Debbie.

I mean, God Bless You Debbie!  May you win the coveted "Cheesegrit Queen of the South"  title, along with the sparkly sash and fake diamond studded crown!

Here's the recipe: Guaranteed to make your butt a little bigger and your heart a little happier!

Makes 8 servings
4 cups of water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of quick  grits
1 1/2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup butter
4 eggs beaten
1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

Directions:
Combine salt/water -bring to a boil
gradually stir in grits, reduce to low heat, cover and cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally
remove from heat-add 1 cup cheese, butter, stir until melted
add eggs and pepper
Fold into a 2qt. baking dish, and bake on 350 degrees for 1 hour or until golden brown.

Enjoy!

Dahlings Let's Have A Teaparty!

Dahlings, hello and good morning and all that other mushy stuff I'm prone to say on a day such as today.

You see, its TEAPARTY time here the Reasonably Chubby  residence and really there could be nothing more fun.

You think your husband buying you a diamond ring would be more fun? Well, see that proves you don't know anything.

Bungee jumping? Well. that just proves you're plain crazy with a little bit of dumb thrown in.

No, dearhearts, its TEAPARTIES that are fun, the absolute most fun in all the world and I wish terribly you could all be here to join in the merriment. But, alas you cannot. So, I shall drink a cup of tea with four sugar cubes in your honor instead...

I have 7 friends coming tonight and it's taken me 7 hours to get ready. Coincidence? I think not. Thank goodness I've decided to throw a party. I needed a reason to dust. And clean the potties.

I'm serving scones with clotted cream and lemon curd, chicken salad on croissant, and of course chocolate covered strawberries.

Here's my sweet daughter slaving away in the kitchen. This thrills my heart like none other-my children being my personal servants. I asked her to wear a uniform to make it official but she refused. It's hard to find obedient help these days.

It was such a feast for the eyes I took another picture.

And another...MOTHER, she growled with a meaness I hadn't heard before...She's going to make an excellent mother someday now that she's honed 'the look'.

Dahlings, I'll be thinking of you tonight. I promise. Especially after all my guests have gone home, and I'm looking at the disaster left behind  in my kitchen.

Tootles for now...Oh, and hugs and cheeky kisses!