Dictator or President?

I woke with a start this morning and realized with total clarity,
'I should run the world.' Also known as my other oft realized epiphany...'Do I have to teach you people everything?' I also realized the house needs a good dusting, and soon.

I do it all the time. Have FABULOUS ideas that are SO OBVIOUS they would bite you on the boo-tay if they had teeth, but somehow are not being put to use.
What are they?
You mean, the ideas?

.....?????.....?????....?????....?????

You can't put genius on the spot like that. It doesn't work that way. Duh...'do I have to teach you everything?!' (Ah, satisfaction. One good use of my oft realized epiphany)

I can die happy now, thin hair gently covering my no-neck. Don't even try to pry the candy from my balled fist, but most importantly, don't forget to bury me in black.

Can you believe I was actually able to get two men to marry me? I'm constantly spouting drivel like this, and still, they come in droves, begging for my hand. Well, two of them did. Not at the same time. I'm not into the whole 'brother husband' idea.

Ugh, can you even imagine? Large inhale, 'let's not even go there'...

I'm In Mourning...

 Ya'll-
Today my metabolism died. Yes, today. As in fifteen minutes ago. How do I know? How does a mother know what her baby cries for? Because she KNOWS. And after 2 weeks of diligently killing myself on the torture contraption known as the makes me sweat buckets and almost pass out Nordic Track, I have actually gained a pound. It ain't muscle. Let's not play games. Sheesh! Trust me, I wasn't even doing it to lose weight, I came into Thigh Acceptance years ago, however...are you kidding me????

Yes I vaguely recall hearing about this at family gatherings. Old aunts and cousins sittin' around talkin about hysterectomies and leakage problems. I had no idea what they were actually saying.
This 'Middle-Age Spread , Death by Carbohydrate Consumption, Drop That Chocolate or You WILL Weigh 400 Pounds By Morning'. reality.
I thought FOOLISHLY it was an old wives tale. And that my mother simply didn't exercise enough.
But now I know the truth. And the truth will set you free.
My hair will thin. My neck will continue to grow extra skin. It will eventually disappear. My hiney will get wider. My candy addiction will grow stronger. My bladder will get weaker.  My candy addiction will grow even more powerful...give me sour straws or give me death! 

I'm going to go lay down for awhile, wearing all black of course.

I'm Chained To My Computer Like A Common Criminal...

Folks, I'm taking a 3 HOUR online real estate course... it's information I already know.
I cannot even begin to tell you HOW BORING it is...

But I'm going to try. Because I need you to feel my pain.

1. It's as boring as eating non-salted saltines...which I've actually experienced since marrying Mr. Wonderful. It's an oxymoron for which there is no answer.

2. It's as boring as cleaning the toilets. With my bare hands. Wait, that wouldn't really count as boring, more like disgusting. And I have done it! Many times! Because I'm a slow learner and keep forgetting to buy gloves!

3. It's as boring as painting a room soft beige, after it's been light beige for years. I've actually never done this because it's against my religion. If I'm going to paint a room I want to see a change baby! Yes, I just called you baby, baby. That's prison talk with an attitude.

Well goodbye for now...if I beg you to break me out of here, don't. If I beg you for candy, do...

Gilligan, Is That You?

 "Hey, Dad,  you wanna go sailing"?

Hesitantly..."Sure..." Gulp. Life vest... Check. White-knuckled grip... Check. Come to Jesus meeting...check.  "Please God, don't let the boat tip over"...like it did on Saturday! Aaaaccckk.

The confident Captain, pushing out to sea.

Cape fear...

Isn't it pretty!!!!
Oh, that's me, yelling how beautiful it is.
"So, pretty! I love the sails! It's gorgeous!"
I'm on the beach taking pictures, jumping up and down, and clapping for joy.
The boys didn't seem the least bit upset I was too chicken to go. As a matter of fact, they left rather rapidly, as in "hurry, get in, before she changes her mind".

Two pirates and a daddy...

Headed off to who knows where. Maybe they'll find a sunken ship filled with treasure...a girl can dream can't she?

Goodbye men. And don't come back without some gold coins!

"My soul is full of longing


For the secret of the sea,

And the heart of the great ocean

Sends a thrilling pulse through me."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow