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Sunday, June 27, 2010

He's Not Sick, He's Dead

My Daily Confessional: Pssst. Hey you...

Let me get straight to the point. I. am. a. horrible. nurse.  I would just as soon KILL you than nurse you back to health. Unless you're between the ages of newborn to five years old and have white blonde hair, or dark brown curly hair and big hazel, brown, or blue eyes. Then I don't mind. I will rock you and sing to you and tend to you gently and softly until the morning sun rises over yon hill.

You're how old?  Sorry I've just pulled your life support.

Granny and Grandaddy, I've killed your child. I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't help myself.
*big sigh*  

Here we have the terribly ill man upon his sick bed, yet he somehow maintains the strength to work the remote control.


Poor Mr. Wonderful has been sick for a week. A WEEK. Do you understand what I'm saying? I ask you,  Do you know what men are like when they are sick? (Sorry 'bout wrapping both hands around your throat just then and violently shaking you).   I asked  him nicely on day three to move to a nursing home but he wouldn't do it. By day five, I went to our liquor cabinet for a little relief. After searching frantically through every room in this house I came to the shocking realization THERE IS NO LIQUOR CABINET!

After sipping a bottle of Gatorade mixed with a little 'Old Bay' seasoning, I knew what to do.

Can you say pillow?!  Psycho laughter is now merrily ringing through the halls of justice. What does that even mean? Don't ask me because  I don't know! I 've obviously snapped.

As you can see, he offered the pillow and I took him up on his kind offer. Or maybe he was hiding his unshaven sickly face from being photographed. Whatever. It doesn't really matter anymore.

It's day seven and he's sleeping quietly now, FOREVER. 'Glory glory hallelujah, glory, glory hallelujah...' she sang as she gently rocked back and forth.

 The sound of his hacking cough just pierced my eardrum.

$50 bucks says he won't go to the doctor tomorrow...$500 says if he doesn't, I'm gonna kill him. For real this time.

9 comments:

Lisa said...

Oh. My. Hell. I am so sorry for you. I know aaaaallll about man sick. I blogged last fall about the exact same thing and my husband was OFFENDED! That's right, OFFENDED! I just can't say enough about this subject. I'll pray for you.

reasonably chubby said...

Yes pray! Pray hard. I can feel my own death bed fast approaching...

Cheeseboy said...

Okay, I am almost positive that I have done a post in the distant past about how horrible men are when we get sick to their wives. I am useless and I am sure my wife wants to strangle me. Meanwhile, when she gets sick, she is going about her normal routine, just complaining a lot. I don't think she thinks she has a choice.

I just noticed your promise of what you will do when you get 100 followers. Way more intense than mine. I may have to refer some readers over.

Allyson & Jere said...

I SO FEEL your pain here sister! I am NOT a nice wife when it comes to sicky hhusband. I just don't get the laying around and moaning thing.

Hang in there girl. Just know he owes you BIG time after laying around for an entire week!


Good luck.

Alisha said...

Oh my George, I would so rather have all three of my kids sick than my husband! It's a dang wonder I get to pee at all when he's sick! Praying for you, and him, and sending you mental liquor.

ethelmaepotter! said...

Oh, God, aren't we all too familiar with this scenario? I was up tending to my husband who had a COLD, a COLD, mind you, when I had bronchial pneumonia!

Quote from Gone With the Wind: "The man roared like a bull when a splinter was in his finger, and the woman muffled the moans of childbirth, lest she disturb him."

If you are arrested for his murder, don't worry, we'll all stand up for you.

reasonably chubby said...

Thankyou my friends! I hope I'll be able to blog from prison...

Beach House Living said...

Oh my! Mr. Wonderful certainly has fallen to the depths of the opposite end of the spectrum. While taxing on all nerve endings do try since when he recovers you do want him to return to his old wonderful self don't you.

Alex@LateEnough said...

I cannot STAND when the hubby is sick. I give him 24 hours. Then he's on his own