Sunday, October 31, 2010

To My Dear Adoring Public

Dearly Beloved Friends, Fans, and Family,

Ever since I promised to run naked through the streets of Rome, WHEN I GET 100 FOLLOWERS, I have had NO MORE FOLLOWERS.

Except for two. And they're now my BFF's forever...Hugs and kisses ya'll...

Anyway, look, I've got to get to Rome. But before that can happen,  I have to get 100 people to follow me. So here's the deal. I'm gonna keep my clothes on-at least while I'm in the holy city. After that I make no promises.
This whole thing is a BIG surprise for Mr. Wonderful...he has no idea about followers, my nakedness in Rome, Rome itself, me using the Mastercard to get to Rome, or even making cupcakes here at home as the booby prize. I'm not sure he even knows what a blog is. So, if you won't do it for me, do it for him. He's never seen Rome...

Ok-fine. You can come with us...That will be a nice big surprise for him too.
See you in Italy...wearing only a toga...Uh?...Yes, togas are from Greece.
See you in Italy...FULLY CLOTHED...don't be afraid. Just follow me...


Monday, October 25, 2010

I went, I saw, I came home bitter

I've returned from my glorious rendezvous at the Country Living Fair...

We walked ,we shopped, we laughed with joy. Packed with creativity,  it was a feast for the eyes, and good for the soul. I came away inspired, rejuvenated, and determined to make my home look like a shop. :)

Then, I walked in the front door of my house.
Good God. I gasped in horror. For some reason, until this very moment, I hadn't realized I was living in a drab, lifeless shell of a home. Why, this is no better than a prison cell...
What's that ugly little chair doing over there in the corner? Who thought it was a good idea to buy a television and prominently display it in the family room? Where are the fabulous fabrics and ribbon and fresh mowed hay strewn upon my floor? What about the fresh flowers, the hand sewn quilts, the charming vintage everything, not to mention  ' what is that smell?'... 

Today is a new day people. I just spent 6 hours cleaning, I've lit every candle I own,  tomorrow I'll be painting, and the day after that, I'm going to build a tree house out back complete with stainless steel appliances, and vintage curtains...

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Brown Spots Are Pretty

Hey Ya'll-
I'm dashing out the door, headed to Atlanta to attend the Country Living Fair at Stone Mountain Park...I am so excited! But before I go, I wanted to share the traumatic event that scarred me forever.

Yesterday. There I was,  innocent as a lamb led to the slaughter, minding my own business.  I had browsed for a book, chosen one, and stood waiting patiently in line for 15 minutes. Finally, it was my turn. I smiled warmly, and said 'Hello! How are you today?'

She took my book, and...

 That's when the Goodwill checkout clerk asked, "Senior Discount?"

Time stood still. First, I quickly shook my head violently back and forth to make sure my hearing wasn't impaired...Did she say, "Senorita, would you like a discount?" I knew it was unlikely now that I've lost my summer tan. My mind was reeling, seeking an answer to this 11 YEAR age gap situation. Senior Discount?? I quickly looked down at what I was wearing, felt my face, touched my eyelashes, and thought about my roots...I WAS dressed, my makeup WAS on, eyelashes WERE thick, and black and full, just like the mascara advertised they would be, roots WERE highlighted with the sunkissed look of youth. So, I imagined myself slapping her across the face, hard. And it felt good, really, really good.
I snapped back into reality, and that's when I saw it. Her mouth curled into an impish, demonic little grin...Folks, I'm telling ya', it was evil, PURE EVIL checking me out at the Goodwill!

Well, I'm outta here. Gone like the wind in my KIA... into the loving arms of Atlanta...headed straight for the nearest botox clinic...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dictator or President?

I woke with a start this morning and realized with total clarity,
'I should run the world.' Also known as my other oft realized epiphany...'Do I have to teach you people everything?' I also realized the house needs a good dusting, and soon.

I do it all the time. Have FABULOUS ideas that are SO OBVIOUS they would bite you on the boo-tay if they had teeth, but somehow are not being put to use.
What are they?
You mean, the ideas?


You can't put genius on the spot like that. It doesn't work that way. Duh...'do I have to teach you everything?!' (Ah, satisfaction. One good use of my oft realized epiphany)

I can die happy now, thin hair gently covering my no-neck. Don't even try to pry the candy from my balled fist, but most importantly, don't forget to bury me in black.

Can you believe I was actually able to get two men to marry me? I'm constantly spouting drivel like this, and still, they come in droves, begging for my hand. Well, two of them did. Not at the same time. I'm not into the whole 'brother husband' idea.

Ugh, can you even imagine? Large inhale, 'let's not even go there'...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I'm In Mourning...

Today my metabolism died. Yes, today. As in fifteen minutes ago. How do I know? How does a mother know what her baby cries for? Because she KNOWS. And after 2 weeks of diligently killing myself on the torture contraption known as the makes me sweat buckets and almost pass out Nordic Track, I have actually gained a pound. It ain't muscle. Let's not play games. Sheesh! Trust me, I wasn't even doing it to lose weight, I came into Thigh Acceptance years ago, however...are you kidding me????

Yes I vaguely recall hearing about this at family gatherings. Old aunts and cousins sittin' around talkin about hysterectomies and leakage problems. I had no idea what they were actually saying.
This 'Middle-Age Spread , Death by Carbohydrate Consumption, Drop That Chocolate or You WILL Weigh 400 Pounds By Morning'. reality.
I thought FOOLISHLY it was an old wives tale. And that my mother simply didn't exercise enough.
But now I know the truth. And the truth will set you free.
My hair will thin. My neck will continue to grow extra skin. It will eventually disappear. My hiney will get wider. My candy addiction will grow stronger. My bladder will get weaker.  My candy addiction will grow even more powerful...give me sour straws or give me death! 

I'm going to go lay down for awhile, wearing all black of course.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I'm Chained To My Computer Like A Common Criminal...

Folks, I'm taking a 3 HOUR online real estate course... it's information I already know.
I cannot even begin to tell you HOW BORING it is...

But I'm going to try. Because I need you to feel my pain.

1. It's as boring as eating non-salted saltines...which I've actually experienced since marrying Mr. Wonderful. It's an oxymoron for which there is no answer.

2. It's as boring as cleaning the toilets. With my bare hands. Wait, that wouldn't really count as boring, more like disgusting. And I have done it! Many times! Because I'm a slow learner and keep forgetting to buy gloves!

3. It's as boring as painting a room soft beige, after it's been light beige for years. I've actually never done this because it's against my religion. If I'm going to paint a room I want to see a change baby! Yes, I just called you baby, baby. That's prison talk with an attitude.

Well goodbye for now...if I beg you to break me out of here, don't. If I beg you for candy, do...

Monday, October 11, 2010

Gilligan, Is That You?

 "Hey, Dad,  you wanna go sailing"?

Hesitantly..."Sure..." Gulp. Life vest... Check. White-knuckled grip... Check. Come to Jesus meeting...check.  "Please God, don't let the boat tip over" it did on Saturday! Aaaaccckk.

The confident Captain, pushing out to sea.

Cape fear...

Isn't it pretty!!!!
Oh, that's me, yelling how beautiful it is.
"So, pretty! I love the sails! It's gorgeous!"
I'm on the beach taking pictures, jumping up and down, and clapping for joy.
The boys didn't seem the least bit upset I was too chicken to go. As a matter of fact, they left rather rapidly, as in "hurry, get in, before she changes her mind".

Two pirates and a daddy...

Headed off to who knows where. Maybe they'll find a sunken ship filled with treasure...a girl can dream can't she?

Goodbye men. And don't come back without some gold coins!

"My soul is full of longing

For the secret of the sea,

And the heart of the great ocean

Sends a thrilling pulse through me."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Am I The Only Sucker?

Am I the only one who's been sucked in to the strange world of the 'Sister Wives'?? Please tell me, have you watched any of this show on TLC?

Because I'm starting a support group for those of us who have.

Is it just me, or do you agree that the husband is getting to have a full-blown affair in plain view of his other three wives? They're all fairly old, fairly fat, and obviously same ol' same ol' by now. Three is not enough...EWWWW!

He's having a POLYGAMIST MID-LIFE CRISIS, and bringing his younger woman into the mix.
Weird? Yes. Strange? Yes. Bizarre? Yes.

What do ya'll think?

Friday, October 8, 2010

Hallelooyer, Fall is Here!

I was on the verge, the precipice of SNAPPING with the relentless 98 degree weather, when out of nowhere, with seemingly no warning, it was FALL.

THANKYOU JESUS!! I love fall.

Or AUTUMN, as I like to call it. With the word autumn lodged firmly in my pea-sized-ever-shrinking brain, I stroked my middle-aged bearded chin and began to ponder the great mysteries of life.

You see, this weather phenonmenon reminds me. It's all about seasons, and the moment you think nothing is going to change, that you might just die or wilt!!,  a cool breeze miraculously begins to blow...

And then of course,Winter arrives.With it's icy wind  and frigid days, we'll  break out the parkas and look  forward to Christmas. But then... we'll think we might SNAP from the mind numbing 18 degree weather and gray skies ... when out of nowhere, with seemingly no warning, the grass will miraculously turn green again.

 Hope. Things will change. New seasons will present themselves. Death, Life, Growth...Enjoy the wonders of what life brings. Unless you live in Hawaii. Then you have the same season continually, but really, I don't feel that sorry for you. It is HAWAII after all.

 Dear friends,

*Mend a quarrel. Search out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion, and replace it with trust. Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed. Keep a promise. Find the time. Forego a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Flout envy. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Appreciate, be kind, be gentle. Laugh a little more. Deserve confidence. Take up arms against malice. Decry complacency. Express your gratitude. Worship God. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it still again. Speak it still once again...

*author unknown*

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be A Raccoon

 Monday was my middle girl's birthday. Her 21st birthday!! This is how she celebrated...

I'm pleased to say she took seriously her vow when she was eight  'to never grow up and leave me.'

Oh, what shall she be?

A raccoon!
 A raccoon?

Personally, I've never seen a prettier raccoon in all my life.

Um...okay...I'm not sure if this, this raccoony type of look is going to be helpful in the husband hunting department. And I need grandchildren.

She did entice others to join her. Big sister...

Married college friend. Point taken.

Young Cousin...who is being influenced. Calling all flamingos...

'Train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old they won't depart from it.'

Throw in a dog show, and you've got yourself a real celebration!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Dream A Little Dream...

 She married young that first time...and try though she might, her heart would be broken. She had three pretty daughters and worked hard to provide for them all the things they needed.
Sometimes she would get tired.
But, she let herself  dream... 

 She dreamed of finding true love someday. Of finding  just the right man, a good and just man to give her heart to. After 17 years of waiting, and hoping and dreaming...

 She met him! His name is Jack, her knight-in-shining-armor. He too had experienced heartbreak. But he let himself  dream...
Of love, and family and second chances.
And somehow, God orchestrated the whole thing. You see, she had to decide to move back home, to pack up her stuff and move clear across the state. She had to start attending the little country church near her house...
where she fell in love with the pastor.

And he? He had to trust again, to let love in, to take a leap of faith.
They were married on 'Cowboy Sunday' and the bride wore boots. She'd never had a real wedding before.   But now, she did. This is my dear cousin, Tonya, and I hope her story gives you one more reason to dream.

It won't be all roses and fairytales, this new life of theirs. Sometimes things will be hard, there will be misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. But there will also be love, and laughter, and good times. Lots of good times. There will be knowing glances, and  friendship,  foot rubs and warm embraces. There will be love. More and more love.

"Dream a little dream of me"...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

A Small Burst Of Scary

Sometimes, I suddenly get a CREATIVE burst of energy. And then I immediately do something constructive and worthwhile...

Pretty scary, huh?! I know...

A bonding moment. "Hello, my pretties."

                                                        I'm really on a roll now...

It is truly amazing I have this much free time...Time to make my father into Tinkerbell's little helper...
Hello Daddy!

Don't give me any trouble. I'm serious about my creative work.

Yo, this is art people.
Whatever. Alabama is kicking Florida's hiney right now...

Friday, October 1, 2010

I Went Skydiving, I went Rocky Mountain Climbing...

I said...uhhuh, uhhuh...

There's no more room for cars or anything remotely resembling a car. You feel lucky that there's room for a bicycle or maybe just a pair of roller skates, in case you do need to get somewhere rather quickly.

Life is about adventure. It's about parking extra large items in the front yard.  I'm hoping we can add a comfy couch and  washing machine to the front deck ASAP...just for fun.

"Let's go sailing, shall we?"
"Yes, but let's wait until a hurricane gets here. That would make it even more exciting!"