Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Its almost Christmas and my back is killin' me!

I love Christmas! I love getting together with loved ones near and far, singing all the ol' carols around great grandmas's piano, and the quiet stillnes of the starfilled night as I nuzzle with my husband waiting for Jolly Old St. Nicholas...

Stop it! (Excuse me while I slap myself across the face.)

Forgive me friends, for I have lied. Yes, to you, my only friends in all the world. Okay, that was another lie, I do have some friends here locally, well two, and a few scattered across the country...Anywhoo....

The truth is I have been a SCROOGE this year!!! bah humbug.  And there is no piano. Not to mention I haven't seen the old fat guy in the red suit for a long, looooonnnnng time.
(Hold on, I wanna see what I look like in the extreme mega-magnified make-up mirror right now. Heaven hep' me! Them frown lines is deep.)

 I blame Walmart! Let's raise our fists in agreement!  I mean, who isn't grumpy after seeing the humanity that IS Wally World out in mass force this time of year. The too-tight sausage leggin's, tobacco chewin', Miss Clairol #9  fight over the vacuum cleaner sale was too much for me.

Not really. I enjoyed it.
Let's face it. I don't know why I'm like this...

Oh, let's face it again. Yes I do.

My CHILRENS are all grown up and aren't coming home for Christmas this year! Except for one. The good, perfect, angelic child who will get ALL of the presents. kiss, kiss, hug, hug....

I feel better now. A good roll-around-on-the-floor emotional breakdown always seems to put things in perspective.

I shall now sip the spiked eggnog two weeks early and prepare myself for the New Year!

Well, friends, until we meet again I bid you 'adieu in my very best high pitched vibrato-

 "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

Yes, dahlings, I dress like this all the time now....I find it helps when I sing... 

Friday, September 2, 2011

What NOT to do on Labor Day Weekend

But first, before I begin this litany of  "DO NOTS", here's the update on my visit to Colorado Springs, CO.

Upon arrival, my middle daughter, the one who's just left for TWO YEARS and is now living in SCOTLAND...(hold on, I've got to go lay down for awhile, freak out and hum koom-by-yah--I'll be back in two years)

Anyway, she picked me up at the airport and then we went straight to our favorite French restaurant in all the world, 'Marigolds'. Angels sang the moment I entered it's bakery doors, and that's when I knew this was going to be a great trip!  Granted it's the only French restaurant I've been to, but that's not the point. The point, my friends, is that we began our World Food Tour, and it was mucho delicioso, or as we say in pig latin, osay oodgay.

The other point is that I definitely have 'obese potential'  and will have to fight diligently all the days of my life to not end up on The Biggest Loser, wearing nothing but spandex and a sports bra.
(I'm laying down back in a few)

 The goal of the trip was to show, teach, convince, cajole, and FORCE daughter number 1 to have a cute apartment. It's that simple, it's being said through gritted teeth and that's why she's sooooo glad I'm her mother. (If somebody named Claire comments on this post, don't believe a word of it)

So that's what we did. We ate...Marigolds, Old Chicago, La Casita...dangit, we forgot about Montagues!...
we shopped, we cooked, (yes, we also cooked. There were certain homemade meals that had to be part of our world food tour...I know.) we watched 12 chick flicks  and we decorated. We painted, we went for walks, and then we decorated some more.  It was in fact, the perfect vacation. We talked until our throats were hoarse, laughed our heads off, and met Claire's new guy, watched new guy break up, saw new guy come back.

I By the way, the garage sales were FABULOUS. I would give you the run down of everything we got and how much we paid, but trust me. It'll just send you into a depression and then you'll have to go lay down for awhile...

But here's something that might cheer you up:

Labor Day Dont's:

1. DON'T rain 20 inches over the weekend. In other words, DO NOT invite a tropical storm to your Labor Day festivities. I cannot emphasize this enough.
That's it in a nutshell. And that's exactly what is happening before my very eyes as I type. It's pouring down rain, it's supposed to keep on pouring down rain, and then by Tuesday morning, on the way back to work the sun is supposed to appear.

Have a great weekend!! I know I will?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Here kitty, kitty...

*Disclaimer:This picture was taken in our happy days, before my visit...
and I might add, before I lost 20 pounds. Whatever.

I'm flying to Colorado Springs, CO to visit my oldest daughter this week. Not only am I thrilled to leave the hot, oppressive heat of the humid South and fly to the cool, clear air of the Rocky Mountains,  I've promised to come by airplane instead of by broom...this time. (Muwahahahaha!! Psycho laughter fills the dark sky)

This promise of cool mountain air has so enthralled me that I'd almost forgotten my mission. I almost got swept up in the 'lets-go-to-Breckenridge-and-frolic-with-the-deer' hallmark card moment  until I remembered. The fitted white gloves. I'd purchased them for a visit such as this, and they appeared mysteriously while digging for change in my couch cushions.

"There you are my pretties". I snuggly snapped them onto to each hand and knew it was time. You see, she's moved into her first apartment. And she needs my help. Her desperate cry  has reached my ears and that's why I'm going. In other words, I've seen the pictures.

Through a haze of cat hair, I've faintly been able to make out a couch, a coffee table, a, a, a,a,a,a,a,a,a....that's right folks. There is nothing else to see. She is living in a shell of a place that actually could be called...gasp! Blank! Not-Decorated! UGLY!!!!

My mission is obviously two-fold.
1. Clean and sanitize
2. Make it pretty.
Commercial-strength Lysol in hand, I yodel a good, solid, Goodwill Here I Come!, which is my designated warrioress battle cry and then I bow my head in prayer.

 "Dear Lord, thankyou for giving me purpose", while simultaneously putting the ad on craiglist:

"Free!! TWO pretty little kitty-cats in need of a good home, nasty litter box included..."

Or not.
That part was just a dream.

I'll show you the pictures upon my return. Until then friends, think of me frolicking with the deer, won't you??

P.S. I'll let you know how offended she was by this post when I return.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

5 Months Later, and 200 pounds lighter

I've lost 200 pounds, and counting...

Yep, that means I officially weigh NOTHING. I'm light as air.
"Impossible", you gasp!?? Well, believe me it hasn't been easy. Imagine what shopping is like these days.

The last time we spoke I was high on caffeine, and had started RUNNING. Which is completely ridiculous considering the physique I'm dealing with-Large bazoombas and a pelvis that could easily produce millions of kids. I definitely could've given '19 and Counting' a run for their money. Of all the get-rich-quick-schemes I've embraced,  I don't know why I didn't think of that one!
And yet, still I run. Every morning me and my bestest buddy meet at the crack o'dawn and pound the pavement because it's the only thing that works. For eating donuts I mean. And spaghetti, and pizza, and candy, and whatever else is delicious in this world. So anyway, here's how I lost it:

The Rock-n-Roll  Half-Marathon in Nashville, TN in April! 13 miles later, we clawed our way across the finish line, and officially celebrated our 20 pound weight loss! PLUS an extra 10 for mental exhaustion and pure craziness thinking we could even run  marathons  in our mid-forties! But we did!

Sold the house. In 3 days! That was worth another 25 pounds of complete joy being released at one time, since I no longer had to blow my whistle, yelling every five minutes to keep this
 %$#@! house clean.

Wonderful Daughter #2 graduated from college! 35 pounds of ' I'm so proud of this child' evaporated through my pores and left me in a sweaty mess the rest of the day.

New home renovation...caused a small 25 pound relapse, but I knew it would be worth it. Plus, I enjoyed eating all the cookies I wanted immensely.  

Claire came to visit for THE VERY FIRST TIME since we moved here! This miraculously removed a whopping 40 pounds that had piled up around my heart, threatening to smother me at times. It's true--losing weight does help you breathe better.

Decorating, and shopping for, and actually moving in to our new home.
50 pounds baby!! This made me downright skinny with love it was so much fun.

Finding my living room couch at Goodwill for under $100 dollars??...I evaporated into thin air and disappeared for awhile, until I remembered to eat the candy I'd hidden in my car's side door, which instantly caused me to gain 20 pounds...thank goodness!

So, 200 pounds lighter I'm happy to share my secret weightloss secrets with you, my secret friends....Promise you'll keep it a secret?
 Because I'm thinking this is my newest get-rich-quick-scam and I really, really don't want to blow it this time!

Light as a feather and soon to be very very wealthy...
Come join us, won't you?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

My Name Is Gump...

I run now. All the time. Against my own will, I put on my tennis shoes and take off like the wind. Okay, not the wind. I take off, like a cheetah. Okay, not a cheetah exactly. A turtle? Yes, A TURTLE. Or maybe a bear. A large lumbering bear, who's emerged from hibernation.

Have you ever noticed how fluffy Bears are?

Run Chubby Run!

I run against the odds. Against the cruel fate of my obese potential. Against my physique which was not made for running. It was made for bearing children. If only I would've realized at the time that was my niche.

And yet I run...

See that guy? That's not me. He looks way too joy-filled.

I, on the other hand, have a look of severe pain while I run. I think it's much more appropriate, plus it garners sympathy from the average passer-by. Just for affect, I may add tears streaming down my face the  next time I run. I'll let you know how that goes.

Friday, January 28, 2011

If A Woman Licks a Spoonful of Chocolate...

If a woman, whose name I will not reveal, licks a spoonful of chocolate and NOBODY sees it, do those calories count?

I didn't think so. (For those of you who answered yes... You're obviously much too hard on yourself, and need to schedule a mani/pedi/massage/mediterrean cruise as soon as you finish reading this. What do you mean, 'but I'm skinny?' That's not the point.)

Skinny People...they can be relentless sometimes, can't they? If they only knew how unpopular their I'm so dedicated  attitude is making them. It's getting them nowhere. Except tight spots. Big deal if they can squeeze into the ridiculously narrow opening between the refrigerator and the pantry door where most people  keep the broom.

Chubby people are popular. Because Chubby People are Happy People!  They allow themselves a little  sugar-laden chocolate every now and then. That's my own unbiased, humble, fat-faced opinion.

Sorry I stuck my tongue out at you.

Note to self: Skinny people are so sensitive these days...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Good News and Bad News

First of all, here's the GOOD news:

I fit into my 'skinny' jeans! (Happy dance, clapping hands, and gleeful shouts of joy are being engaged in at this moment) Yep, I just put them on, and they zipped right up with no problem. Looks like all that diet/exercise mumbo jumbo is finally paying off!

Now, for the BAD news:

My 'skinny' jeans aren't really all that skinny. As a matter of fact, they're the exact same size as my regular jeans. Just a tighter version. Which means I have very low standards for what constitutes a rowdy celebration.

 Hey, at my age, I'm gonna take what I can get. After all, I'm working with NO METABOLISM and a STRONG CANDY ADDICTION. Not to mention an aversion to SPANX.

Spanx alone would make me look 10 pounds thinner. But I'm not going there...I'm doing it the old fashioned way. Lots of caffeine, starvation and excessive exercise.

What do you mean, why is my hand shaking?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Sorry It's Been So Long

 It's been way too long since we've talked. I've missed you, desperately.
But I've been busy. Sooooo busy.
  1. Busy loading and unloading the dishwasher.
  2. Busy straightening my hair.
  3. Busy watching football games I don't really care about.
  4. Busy working on the 'family' budget for 5 hours last Saturday. I know.
  5. Busy exercising every morning at 6am. I KNOW!
And now, I'm training to run in my very first marathon. Which requires incredibly loooonnnnnggg run/walking distances on a regular basis.

Because. I'm. Stupid.   Dedicated. Driven. And Oh So Sexy.

 I blame her. That woman up Mother. Look at her. You can tell with your own two eyes.
SHE'S CRAZY. And she passed it on.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I've Missed My Calling

  I've JUST discovered  another talent. A talent I didn't even know I had, but now that I do know, I plan on doing something with it. Sorta' like the man with the 'Golden Voice'. You've heard of him, right? I hope to be discovered SOON. Because the world needs what I have to offer...

Brooke ran the Disney Marathon this past weekend. God love her. And I was there, to support her, to cheer her on, to SMILE!!!!

This smile has  'pageant mother' written all over it. I can't believe all the years I wasted sitting stone faced at tennis tournaments. Hidden talents are special, aren't  they?

Looky here. Could I stretch my face any wider? I think not.

Got a special event coming up? Maybe your 60 year old daughter is finally getting married, or you have a favorite son participating in the International Square Dancing championships. Whatever it is, my talent is yours.

If you need a professional GRINNER, you  know who to call.