Friday, January 28, 2011

If A Woman Licks a Spoonful of Chocolate...

If a woman, whose name I will not reveal, licks a spoonful of chocolate and NOBODY sees it, do those calories count?

I didn't think so. (For those of you who answered yes... You're obviously much too hard on yourself, and need to schedule a mani/pedi/massage/mediterrean cruise as soon as you finish reading this. What do you mean, 'but I'm skinny?' That's not the point.)

Skinny People...they can be relentless sometimes, can't they? If they only knew how unpopular their I'm so dedicated  attitude is making them. It's getting them nowhere. Except tight spots. Big deal if they can squeeze into the ridiculously narrow opening between the refrigerator and the pantry door where most people  keep the broom.

Chubby people are popular. Because Chubby People are Happy People!  They allow themselves a little  sugar-laden chocolate every now and then. That's my own unbiased, humble, fat-faced opinion.

Sorry I stuck my tongue out at you.

Note to self: Skinny people are so sensitive these days...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Good News and Bad News

First of all, here's the GOOD news:

I fit into my 'skinny' jeans! (Happy dance, clapping hands, and gleeful shouts of joy are being engaged in at this moment) Yep, I just put them on, and they zipped right up with no problem. Looks like all that diet/exercise mumbo jumbo is finally paying off!

Now, for the BAD news:

My 'skinny' jeans aren't really all that skinny. As a matter of fact, they're the exact same size as my regular jeans. Just a tighter version. Which means I have very low standards for what constitutes a rowdy celebration.

 Hey, at my age, I'm gonna take what I can get. After all, I'm working with NO METABOLISM and a STRONG CANDY ADDICTION. Not to mention an aversion to SPANX.

Spanx alone would make me look 10 pounds thinner. But I'm not going there...I'm doing it the old fashioned way. Lots of caffeine, starvation and excessive exercise.

What do you mean, why is my hand shaking?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Sorry It's Been So Long

 It's been way too long since we've talked. I've missed you, desperately.
But I've been busy. Sooooo busy.
  1. Busy loading and unloading the dishwasher.
  2. Busy straightening my hair.
  3. Busy watching football games I don't really care about.
  4. Busy working on the 'family' budget for 5 hours last Saturday. I know.
  5. Busy exercising every morning at 6am. I KNOW!
And now, I'm training to run in my very first marathon. Which requires incredibly loooonnnnnggg run/walking distances on a regular basis.

Because. I'm. Stupid.   Dedicated. Driven. And Oh So Sexy.

 I blame her. That woman up Mother. Look at her. You can tell with your own two eyes.
SHE'S CRAZY. And she passed it on.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I've Missed My Calling

  I've JUST discovered  another talent. A talent I didn't even know I had, but now that I do know, I plan on doing something with it. Sorta' like the man with the 'Golden Voice'. You've heard of him, right? I hope to be discovered SOON. Because the world needs what I have to offer...

Brooke ran the Disney Marathon this past weekend. God love her. And I was there, to support her, to cheer her on, to SMILE!!!!

This smile has  'pageant mother' written all over it. I can't believe all the years I wasted sitting stone faced at tennis tournaments. Hidden talents are special, aren't  they?

Looky here. Could I stretch my face any wider? I think not.

Got a special event coming up? Maybe your 60 year old daughter is finally getting married, or you have a favorite son participating in the International Square Dancing championships. Whatever it is, my talent is yours.

If you need a professional GRINNER, you  know who to call.