Monday, August 22, 2011

Here kitty, kitty...

*Disclaimer:This picture was taken in our happy days, before my visit...
and I might add, before I lost 20 pounds. Whatever.

I'm flying to Colorado Springs, CO to visit my oldest daughter this week. Not only am I thrilled to leave the hot, oppressive heat of the humid South and fly to the cool, clear air of the Rocky Mountains,  I've promised to come by airplane instead of by broom...this time. (Muwahahahaha!! Psycho laughter fills the dark sky)

This promise of cool mountain air has so enthralled me that I'd almost forgotten my mission. I almost got swept up in the 'lets-go-to-Breckenridge-and-frolic-with-the-deer' hallmark card moment  until I remembered. The fitted white gloves. I'd purchased them for a visit such as this, and they appeared mysteriously while digging for change in my couch cushions.

"There you are my pretties". I snuggly snapped them onto to each hand and knew it was time. You see, she's moved into her first apartment. And she needs my help. Her desperate cry  has reached my ears and that's why I'm going. In other words, I've seen the pictures.

Through a haze of cat hair, I've faintly been able to make out a couch, a coffee table, a, a, a,a,a,a,a,a,a....that's right folks. There is nothing else to see. She is living in a shell of a place that actually could be called...gasp! Blank! Not-Decorated! UGLY!!!!

My mission is obviously two-fold.
1. Clean and sanitize
2. Make it pretty.
Commercial-strength Lysol in hand, I yodel a good, solid, Goodwill Here I Come!, which is my designated warrioress battle cry and then I bow my head in prayer.

 "Dear Lord, thankyou for giving me purpose", while simultaneously putting the ad on craiglist:

"Free!! TWO pretty little kitty-cats in need of a good home, nasty litter box included..."

Or not.
That part was just a dream.

I'll show you the pictures upon my return. Until then friends, think of me frolicking with the deer, won't you??

P.S. I'll let you know how offended she was by this post when I return.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

5 Months Later, and 200 pounds lighter

I've lost 200 pounds, and counting...

Yep, that means I officially weigh NOTHING. I'm light as air.
"Impossible", you gasp!?? Well, believe me it hasn't been easy. Imagine what shopping is like these days.

The last time we spoke I was high on caffeine, and had started RUNNING. Which is completely ridiculous considering the physique I'm dealing with-Large bazoombas and a pelvis that could easily produce millions of kids. I definitely could've given '19 and Counting' a run for their money. Of all the get-rich-quick-schemes I've embraced,  I don't know why I didn't think of that one!
And yet, still I run. Every morning me and my bestest buddy meet at the crack o'dawn and pound the pavement because it's the only thing that works. For eating donuts I mean. And spaghetti, and pizza, and candy, and whatever else is delicious in this world. So anyway, here's how I lost it:

The Rock-n-Roll  Half-Marathon in Nashville, TN in April! 13 miles later, we clawed our way across the finish line, and officially celebrated our 20 pound weight loss! PLUS an extra 10 for mental exhaustion and pure craziness thinking we could even run  marathons  in our mid-forties! But we did!

Sold the house. In 3 days! That was worth another 25 pounds of complete joy being released at one time, since I no longer had to blow my whistle, yelling every five minutes to keep this
 %$#@! house clean.

Wonderful Daughter #2 graduated from college! 35 pounds of ' I'm so proud of this child' evaporated through my pores and left me in a sweaty mess the rest of the day.

New home renovation...caused a small 25 pound relapse, but I knew it would be worth it. Plus, I enjoyed eating all the cookies I wanted immensely.  

Claire came to visit for THE VERY FIRST TIME since we moved here! This miraculously removed a whopping 40 pounds that had piled up around my heart, threatening to smother me at times. It's true--losing weight does help you breathe better.

Decorating, and shopping for, and actually moving in to our new home.
50 pounds baby!! This made me downright skinny with love it was so much fun.

Finding my living room couch at Goodwill for under $100 dollars??...I evaporated into thin air and disappeared for awhile, until I remembered to eat the candy I'd hidden in my car's side door, which instantly caused me to gain 20 pounds...thank goodness!

So, 200 pounds lighter I'm happy to share my secret weightloss secrets with you, my secret friends....Promise you'll keep it a secret?
 Because I'm thinking this is my newest get-rich-quick-scam and I really, really don't want to blow it this time!

Light as a feather and soon to be very very wealthy...
Come join us, won't you?