Friday, April 30, 2010

Goodwill Is My Life, Obviously

Read Post Below.

After reading it myself, I realized I should immediately be hired by Goodwill as their CEO. Or at least as a cashier.

Hilarious, The Way You Thought You Could Stop Me

From Tweeting, I mean. Yeah, I know. You never read any of my tweets that were on the sidebar of this blog and you think you could care less about what I'm up to on a minute by minute basis.

But I know better. I always do. How else will we ever become BFF'S?

And so I give you...My living room. I just dusted it. That's why it's on here. I figured you'd want to know.

And then I went to Goodwill and purchased these two lovelies...

And then...this happened. Remember how I refused to pay the $5.00 for the office chair two Saturdays ago? This bad boy cost me $15. I've learned my lesson, and it's so worth it. My back is now singing the Hallelujah chorus.

At that very same garage sale, I talked the lady into taking $20 for this picture, instead of $25...Amazing how ugly it looked in her house and how terrific it looks in mine. :)

And this little beauty...$5. We needed a grill and what could be better than a rusted piece of junk to cook some ka-bobs? This could've been a mistake...thank goodness for Goodwill. They get all my mistakes.

I just finished reading this. Purchased from Goodwill about a week ago, I enjoyed it tremendously. Did you just yawn? Best friends don't yawn when other best friends are sharing. I can tell you have alot to learn...from me. Together we can grow. And you can change. I recommend it especially if you like good stories about love and loss and friendship. If you don't then something's obviously wrong with you, but don't worry our friendship can be salvaged. Do you like candy?

Whew! I've just realized all that I've accomplished today and frankly, I'm impressed. I'm so happy we're gonna be Best Friends Forever...
I'll call you after my nap.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Remember This?

Mr. Wonderful diligently hand painting our little cottage-by-the-bay?

No? That'll teach you. Don't you ever,ever, EVER miss a post of mine again, do you hear me? Don't make me pull this car over...

Or this? Me sneaking into the kitchen for a 'candy fix'? When he thought I was out back rototilling, or sorting out the recycling bins...this man's a dreamer I tell ya.

Well, thanks to all his hard work and patience and diligence and me sitting and watching for moral support...TaDa!!! We Now Have This!
Precious Little Cottage instead of Hideous Ugly Eyesore

I hope to someday in the very near future, tomorrow? 30 minutes from now? add these in front of the house as well.

And I still like these. Oh, yes I do. Confucius say: Watching house painting and candy-they good for soul.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I've Gone Plumb Crazy!

And yet ANOTHER post in honor of National Pondering Day...I do believe I've gone plumb crazy! Somebody take the video camera away from me.


*Push the little triangle again...Just in case you've already forgotten how to do it.

Exercise Is Fun To Watch

*push the play button, the little triangle right above...for the technologically backward...I'm here for you, for I am you.

I love watching exercise videos. They're always so inspirational...

Why is the videographer breathing heavy as well as the exerciser?

Something to PONDER...

*see post below. Don't forget it's National Ponder Day!

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Yahtzee Is Vicious and Other True Cliches

At our house we take our board games very seriously. Actually, my sister's house where we were staying for the weekend. (again...I love making her wash the sheets again, although we were there only a few weeks ago. So every couple of weeks I've got her running a bed and breakfast for me and Mr. Wonderful. At least I think she washed the sheets...hey, wait a minute...)

I'm now questioning everything I've ever believed in. Has she EVER washed the sheets? She's probably been all passive-aggressive, giggling to herself everytime we come, wondering if this is the weekend we'll end up with body lice. And crossing her fingers and praying hard that it will be. At least, I know that's what I would do if she kept coming to visit me every weekend, uninvited. And after all I've done for her...
What have I done for her? Well lots of stuff. I can't think of anything right now of course, but I will. And then you'll see... my side.

You want to know about Yahtzee? Who really cares about Yahtzee when more pressing matters are weighing heavy on the mind? Lamaze breathing is in order...(hee-hoo, hee-hoo-hee-hoo, ow,ow,owwwwww!!!!)

Fine. Let's talk about the Yahtzee.
These two aren't the innocent angels you think they are. They're Yahtzee Ninjas, out to rule the world through intimidation and extreme concentration.

Look below at how the small ones eyes have rolled up into her head as she tries to channel a "Yahtzee!" Oh, and she did. Not once, not twice, but fifty times. (I thought that would get your attention. It was only once. But it was enough to declare her the winner!)

Mr. Wonderful has had enough. He's taking his dice and going home...only it's not his dice and he's hundreds of miles from home, while the young winner's father thinks the cup is rigged. After that, it got ugly. I can't even go there.
Which reminds me of why we were at my sisters in the first place.

Mr. Wonderful's son was going to prom and we had the joy of documenting the grand event.
Which got us to reminiscing about our own proms. Which got me to digging through some old photos at Granny and Grandaddy's house.
Can you take me to mullet town? Ahhh, who doesn't love a good mullet? If only we would've met then, we could've had matching mullets. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it would've been just too much mullet for this ol' world to handle.

Now this is a man. Pink shirt, pink matching belt...Style baby, that's what I'm talkin 'bout.
Miami Vice is twice as nice.

Eureka! I've found gold, pure gold! The peach suit, the extra-large bowtie, the date with only her wrists showing, in the pure Victorian way. (I had no idea Mr. Wonderful was over 100 years old.)
Isn't is amazing, the more things change the more they stay the same?

Or not.

Friday, April 23, 2010

I Always Did Love Kindergarten, Especially Art!

Look how happy we are. My friend and I. We're giddy with joy! We've just discovered we're bonafide arteests...the lady at the shop told us we were. And I quote, "You cannot mess up your picture. You are bonafide arteests." I'm taking the lady's word for it.

Quick, somebody, where's my french beret?

I plan on taking the paint-by-number world by storm.

With the flourish only a true arteest posesses, I signed my gold.

Using a magic marker.

The life of an arteest is so misunderstood.

We're complicated, never knowing what we want, think or feel at any given moment. Take my picture for example. Do I want to sit down? Or, am I needing flowers, fake ones because I kill the other kind, to cheer my weary soul. Perhaps I just copied what the teacher did because that's what we were supposed to do. We'll never know, will we?

Hey kids! Look what you're getting for Christmas this year! I know, I shouldn't have, but you know what? You're worth it.

Next year will be even better. I'll paint our family portrait wearing my fancy French beret. And I might become a fireman or a superhero. I always did love art and kindergarten.

I Just Really Like Them.

I just really like her too, don't you?

These words are really like my favorite words in the whole world. Really. They just like, are. I can't explain why.

I. just. really. like. them. Really.

Unfortunately, these words and my fondness for using them as often as possible and then some, may be the demise of my "rich and famous" writing career. At least according to everything I've read about launching my world famous cookie recipe. I mean, writing career.

Like, they just might really, really destroy all chances of me being a world renowned author. Of course, I've still got my evil cookie empire plot as plan B, so no worries.

But still.

It ticks me off. And makes me angry. Now I'm mad. Furious, actually.

Who determines these "things" anyway? Like, I just really don't understand.

Okay, already. I'll move on and find other words. Bigger, more profound, intellectual words. Words such as obsequious, which means fawning attention, or ameliorate, which means to lessen.

I'll start wearing a tweed jacket and smoking a pipe. In the summer and winter months.

I really will. I just will. And I'll like it. Really.

p.s. I personally found this post to be like really annoying, I just did. I'm going to go beat my head against a wall now, for real. (shorter variation of really) Anyone want to join me? In beating my head against a wall, I mean?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Garage Sales Are My Life?

My goodness I love going to garage sales. The thrill of the early morning hunt, not knowing exactly what you're going to find, but knowing that you are going to find something...
Outta my way people!! Lady with a baby comin' through!!
Amazing, the low down dirty tricks I'm willing to resort to. For other peoples junk.

And when I say cheap, I mean for almost nothing.
You want 50cents for that?? What, are you crazy? How 'bout a nickel?

Smile, wink, wink.

Or the $5.00 office chair, worth a $100.
How 'bout $3 bucks? No? Well then, you can just keep your stupid ol' office chair. (While I sit here this very moment with my back hurting because I should've paid the five. *sigh* Oh, well. Here comes this Saturday!)

Sometimes I'll splurge for no good reason and spend $2 dollars on something I absolutely do not need. Then I have to get rid of it, because I just do, and give it to Goodwill. Oh, I hate that. Especially when my mom comes to visit and wants to go to every Goodwill in town. And buy the stuff I gave it.

Sometimes I find amazing, beyond amazing, to infiniti and back stuff. Well that only happened once. When I was with my mom and we found a Tiffany lamp that she later sold for boo-koo bucks. Good thing she bought it, cause they wanted $15 whole dollars, what are you crazy? She's not as cheap as I am. And, she didn't even know it was a Tiffany at the time.

Anyway, I usually find little stuff that makes my heart sing. Like these salt shakers. $1
I needed new salt and pepper shakers, bad. I've already used them like 20 times since Saturday. They are awesome!

But this was my piece de la resistance...
A new wallet for 50cents. Adorable. This is the front.

And the back. I love, love, love it! I know, you're jealous aren't you? I would be too if I were you.

Sand and Stars and Faith...

"And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore..." Hebrews 11:12

I went to the beach yesterday, and as I lay there soaking up the rays I took a small handful of sand and watched as it sifted through my fingers. And God reminded me of this verse. Staring at each grain of sand I thought of how faith works and how great God is. He's always taking the smallest thing and multiplying it, making it more and better and bigger than we ever could on our own.

By Faith.

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. " Isaiah 40:26
How great is our God!
He's got you. He's numbered every hair on your head, and he's got you. Whatever you are going through today, have some faith. Give the problem, the situation, the mountain , the impossiblity to Him and then relax.

"I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong-that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith." Romans 1:11,12
From our beach to yours, with love.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My Sister Tried To Kill Me

Shocking, isn't it?! My very own sister, the one I've raised since I was five years old, tried to kill me last night.

She'd given me this... 'Yoo-hoo, big sister, love of my life, I have something special for you. I think you'll really, really like it.'
I should have noticed the demonic glint in her eye.

Something so evil my camera refused to take it.

Unable to focus, my camera strained and groaned with fright...
But I forced it.
I plan on putting the evidence in a safe deposit box as soon as I spread the news to my faithful readership. Of five. Dear Readers, you're always on my mind...(hold on, I suddenly need to sing the Willie Nelson song as loud as I can. Give a dying woman her last wish, will ya? Maybe I didn't hold you as often as I should have, maybe I didn't, whatever, I don't remember the words, hum, hum, humming, but you were always on my mind, you were always on my miiinnnddd.)

Ta-da! Here it is...the hideous plot revealed. Finally. (stupid camera. cheap piece of ****)

A recipe so good, so rich, so insanely delicious that it almost worked.
But my sister underestimates me. She forgot that I have a higher sugar tolerance than most, built up by years of candyoholism. Fool. It will take more than this to send me into a diabetic coma.

Unfortunately the friends I served it to last night weren't so lucky. One bite and they dropped dead. Oh, well. That'll teach 'em. To stop drinking only diet coke and eating low fat, sugar free lettuce.

Death By Chocolate. Not a bad way to go.
*If you're feeling iffy today I've posted the recipe under "Church Food". Send yourself to heaven and call it a day.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Is This Who I Think It Is??

Is this man, the one I happened to be married to, who allows me against his will to publish his private photos... is this man actually a famous tennis professional?

Because if he is, he's got some 'splainin to do. As in, where's all the money dude? Not to mention the private jet, penthouse in New York, and fabulous trips around the world.
He says it's not true. He says he's just a simple country boy who just happens to own a visor and a tennis racket. (Wait! Is that a badminton racket? Well then. Surely only a famous tennis professional could have the skillz necessary to play with such an instrument.)

Hmmmmm... suspicious! Veddy, veddy suspicious!

Fact: Both are left handed
Fact:Both are sitting down
Fact:Both are fawned over by beautiful women everywhere.
Oh, the life of a sports professional.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I've Decided To Become Famous

"Cutty Thorny"...a portrait in blue...

Just yesterday. I woke up and rose from the bed (after great effort I might add. It ain't easy sleeping in a sink hole) and decided right then and there to BECOME FAMOUS. So get ready.

But first there are a few details I need to take care of. First and foremost I'll have to change my name to something more interesting. My sister reminded me that I'd chosen to change my name in first grade to "Cutty" and then in second grade I went with the more trendy "Thorny", so why not "Cutty Thorny" for a first and middle name? I don't know. They seem so elementary now. So first grade, second grade, know what I mean?

My friends have made suggestions. "Fierocia Numette" "Princess Consuela Bananahammock" "Magilla-Cutty" and the elusive "Yamayda Pew". I like them all, I really do. I'll have to pray about it and then decide.

Since I've made peace with my thighs and am willing to purchase the Lifestyle Lift, an amazing 8 hour miracle that promises to make me look twelve again, nothing seems to be standing in my way.

Other than the name change I'm pretty much good to go. Mr. Wonderful wasn't so keen on the fame thing until I told him he could be the "rich" part...Rich and Famous. So now he's all in.

It feels good to make decisions and get something accomplished. You should try it sometime.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Interview With A Vampire...aka Bored College Kid

Are we having fun yet?

I thought it would be fun to interview my middle child while she's here living with me. Before she heads back to the cold cruel world that is Lee University.

I drug out the handy karaoke machine and proceeded.

Me: Tapping the microphone...Hello? hello?...
Daughter: Tries to grab microphone out of my hand. Always grabbing for the spotlight, I tell ya...

Question: Why are you here at my house?
Answer: Because England kicked me out. I have nowhere else to go.

Question: How do you feel about that?
Answer: Angry

Question: And Bitter?
Answer: Yes.

Question: Are you always so talkative?
Answer: shrug...

Question: Are you glad I'm your Mother?
Answer: No comment. (Psychotic laughter)

Question: What are you planning on doing this summer?
Answer: Making money and entertaining myself. Wait...that sounds weird.

Question: Are you bored living here with your Mother?
Answer: No comment. (Psychotic laughter...again.)

Question: What do you want to do with your life?
Answer: Be a missionary. (Or stay here and live and clean and cook for my Mother....she's staring off into space now. She seems shut down.)

Question: What's your favorite food?
Answer: Bread.

Question: Do you want to get your picture taken in the little hole under the bridge?
Answer: No. (She means of course I do! That would be hilarious!)

Question: Any other thoughts?
Answer: That only killed 10 minutes. What are we gonna do now?

Question: Do you think you have ADD?
Answer: Me?

Question: Yes, you. (who else am I interviewing? Bright college kid, this one.)
Answer: I don''t. But my mom does.

Question: Who's your mom?
Answer: LisaJohnsOristStephens

Question: How does that make you feel?
Answer: Please, help.

Question: Huh? You wish you had more last names?
Answer: Huh?

The interviewee has left the room...Wow.

I now appreciate what Oprah's had to put up with all these years.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Silver and Gold Have I None

But what I do have is the Gift of Encouragement.

And I freely give it to you. So, take it.

I insist.

No, really.


*sigh* Ministry can be so hard.

God has given each of us special gifts and He wants us to use them. I hope this encourages
you to never give up and to press in and share what He's given to you. In other words, stop being lazy. And selfish. And dumb. I love encouraging you!

People need time. Time to think and ponder about the great words of wisdom offered that day. I understand. After I've encouraged you, take all the time you need. 5,4,3,2,1...Ding! Time is up. What do you mean you still feel sad? That's impossible.

Sometimes people have to be persuaded to accept encouragement. And that's okay. Just grab them by the back of their neck and talk through gritted teeth. Later, they'll appreciate what you've said.


That look right there is what I live for. To spread joy everywhere I go.

Sometimes you get angry glares. Ignore them and encourage anyway. I find at moments like these a song, sung with strong emotion at the top of my lungs, can bring the joy.

But I must warn you. There are always the doubters. They don't believe a word you're saying. They don't want to hear your songs. They don't want encouragement. Do it anyway. But just know...

You've got to know when to hold 'em...know when to fold 'em...know when to walk away, know when to run...

I have a feeling I'd better run when she sees these pictures of herself on my blog.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Prodigal Returns

The long lost daughter finally comes home. Like the prodigal son, she's come to her senses and decided to see if perhaps I will take her in and maybe allow her to be treated as one of my servants...and yes, I will. I've got a large pile of ironing just waiting for a servant to show up.

OR... It was nothing like that. She went to Europe for 3 months for college, but oh, how she missed me! She's my baby. I know these things. I can tell by the look on her face exactly what she's thinking. Like a mother knows and understands her newborn's cry, I know and understand her every expression.

*Lost, ...somewhere in the European countryside...

Oh, Mother, they're making me wear a tight squeezy hard hat. And I miss you so. When can I come home?

Here it's obvious she's missing me. Mother, I'm tap dancing for you like it?

Yes I do my love.

Halt. What's this?? A gorgeous desolate road in the hauntingly beautiful Irish countryside that I've never seen but my daughter has? Something seems wrong, terribly, terribly wrong. Would it annoy you if I threw in one more terribly? 'Cause I think it might make me feel better. Terribly, terribly, terribly wrong. Yes, that's what was missing.

and here...look at my baby. Her eyes... the longing for home.

Oh, this one pains me. She's crying out, "Mama". It's so hard when you can't get to your child and they need you.

I know darlin'. It's exciting! You're home now. Come let Mommy hold you.