Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Why, Yes I Did, Thankyou for Asking

It's times like these and friends like you that make me want to...
Smile? Noooooo.... Scream with the agony of defeat? Maaayyybeee...
 Why? Because, Father, I have sinned and I would really prefer to confess anonymously  from behind a thick curtain. The curtain of shame.  But no. Instead I will post my foibles, my flaws, my terrible gluttonous tendencies on the world wide web for all to see and Judge.

Let me put it to you this way. I hath eateneth more than I shouldeth...

Spark People was no match for Turkey Day. The motivational talks, the promises I made to myself, the tracking of the food...wasted. Totally wasted.   My downfall began with TWO FABULOUS Thanksgiving meals, one with turkey, one with ham, then a football party, laden with marvelously fattening hors d'oeuvres, where in fact Mr. Wonderful tried to keep me from having dessert. BIG MISTAKE. I had the World Wrestling Federation threaten to sue for stealing some of their most famous moves. (Once I had him in the headlock, punchdown, knee-in-the-groin twist around,  he knew it was over. Give the fat girl her pie.)  Then a  road trip from Alabama to Georgia, and on to Tennesee.

But, I'm back now. I woke up at 5:30am, went to the Y, and DIED. This is my ghost writing these words...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Two Magical Words

I have only two words for you today: 700 Calories
(In one measly little hour. I almost puked my guts up.)

Yes, I'm in bed now...

By the way, have you guys ever heard of 'Spark People'? Well, it's this totally free website that is AWESOME!!! You can track every single morsel of food that slides down your throat, and it will instantly let you know if you've sinned. It also lets you track how many calories you've burned. There are message boards, success stories, and all kind of tips to keep you motivated.

Face it, soon you'll be looking for me, wondering 'where in the world did she go?', and that's when I'll step out from behind the stop sign, the mailbox, or the tall lamp in my living room.

 If I believe I'm going to end up as tiny as a toothpick, then FOR SURE I'll at least make it to 'she's as small as a  volkswagen bug'... I prefer blue, if you have to picture it. Go ahead and make it a convertible.

Excuse me while I nibble on my lentil burger, all the while telling myself how it tastes just like beef...

Tomorrow we'll discuss how to get big muscles. Yes, I'm also in a class 3 nights a week called, "Body Pump". 
I have noticed I seem to speaking in a strong Austrian accent these days...


Sunday, November 21, 2010

I've just come up for air...

Hey guys!
Just wanted to say a quick 'hello' before IT finds me. The Elliptical I mean.
Sorry it's been so long since we've talked. It's the Elliptical's fault. We've merged and become one, and ever since last week when  I took my vows to be faithful and committed, things just haven't been the same.
For example, I now get up at 5:30am in the MORNING (yes, I capitalized to emphasize yelling) ...the Elliptical is very demanding like that. I wish you would have warned me. Now it's too late...The 'Y' has my money, the Elliptical has my promise, and my thighs are burning as we speak.

My life has changed forever. Or at least until February. That's when the winner of the twenty pound challenge will emerge, VICTORIOUS, and get to go on an all inclusive, totally paid for girls-get-a-way weekend at the beach. My friend Amanda and I are in this duel til' death throwdown.

Goodbye cream cheese. Hello celery, and broccoli, and dry toast.
Brings a tear to my eye...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I fought the Teal, and the Teal won

I fought the Teal and the Teal won.
And then I kicked it's little blue-green...well, you get the idea.

What is the Teal? Ah, yes. The TEAL my friends is my days long attempt to simply re-paint my china cabinet, from black to the oh-so-cottage look of the aforementioned color...and that's when my entire world collapsed. Who knew that bringing light and harmony and the feel of the ocean into one's home could cause such mayhem, despair, and cursing? With my fist raised to the china cabinet itself, I swore, "I'll never go hungry, paint you again!" And that's when the china cabinet laughed at me.

Because guess what? I did paint it again. And again...And then I spilled the paint. And got some on the wall. And the floor. And on a chair. Now, all the chair seats will have to be recovered. Who knows where this nightmare will end. Does this mean I will have to also replace the chandelier? Of course it does. The TEAL is beyond demanding.
I'll post pictures someday. For now, I've got to go change into my Samurai warrior diaper and wrestle this thing to the ground...If you don't hear from me, send in the clowns.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Blind leading the Blind

The time change has happened. As usual, the first moments are absolutely GLORIOUS! Leisurely waking up, glancing at the clock...ahhhhh,  it's only 7:30am...Fall Back has occurred!

And then reality sets in. Darkness. Deep, black, DARK darkness at 5 pm. Everyday. For months and months and months.

Good thing I'm a blogging, HGTV, cream cheese loving diva, for it is this, and this alone that will get me through!!

Hold me...

Thursday, November 4, 2010


Today I had one of  the most satisfying experiences of my life.  It was so great. It brings a smile of contentment to my face just thinking about it.

What?! what?? wwhhhhaaaatttt?????
Why, is that 'breathless anticipation' I hear?  I love breathless anticipation.

Since you're about to burst, and YOU CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, I'm gonna tell you.

I witnessed a skinny bird-boned man unable to stop himself from pigging out on dessert. He stuffed his face until his belly hurt, shrieking 'what did you put in this stuff? Meth?' And then he went to get himself another piece.  Yes, folks, that man would be the naturally thin, non emotional eater, known as Mr. Wonderful. Before today that is.  Now, he's simply known as 'Potentially Chubby." My life is complete. I made the pumpkin ooey-gooey cake, from Ms. Paula Deen herself, and now that I know the power it contains, nothing can stop me! I shall rule my Chubby Empire!! (psycho laughter is completely appropriate at this point).

Oh, yeah, the other great and satisfying thing that happened was that I got mulch. Lots and lots of mulch put in the front yard, in the big, dry, plantless garden bed. It looks teriffic! Instead of lazy, no-good neighbors,  we  look like responsible homeowners. To reiterate, Nothing can stop me now! I'm aware of the fact that Mr. Wonderful burned many, many calories while putting in the mulch...Do you take me for a fool?  I promptly rewarded him with another hearty piece of ooey-gooey. He wolfed it down, and whimpered, 'More?'

 Real Men Mulch...and then bring their wives a bunch of wild flowers....Isn't that sweet?!
'Oh, darling, have another piece of ooey-gooey'...