Monday, September 27, 2010

The Cutest Thing!

Mr. Wonderful NEVER reads this blog. That's fine by me because I can talk freely behind his back and he has no clue. For example, he has no idea I'm not cooking anymore...(Bring on the evil psycho laughter!)

Of course a man who eats cereal for supper and LIKES IT is bound to receive other proposals for marriage. I'm just surprised it happened so soon and at church of all places.

He's been helping in Children's Church, working with the first graders. Today at church, the moment he entered the room a little girl frantically started waving, reaching out her tiny arm toward him, wiggling all her fingers, saying, 'oh,oh,oh, SIT BY ME!!"  Mr. Wonderful complied and after he took his seat, she gently placed her hand on his, and proceeded to gaze lovingly up at him. "Are you already married?" she asked. "Yes" he replied. Immediately, her little shoulders slumped, and as she  gazed down dejectedly, she sighed. "Oh..."

I have a funny feeling this is the first in a long line of cereal loving females. She probably could smell the Cap'n Crunch on his breath. I can see my cooking sabbatical may not last. After all, it's a dog eat dog world out there,and I simply can't afford to lose my husband to a better offer.

He also took in a little bible and gave it to a little boy who proceeded to thump a little girl on the head with it. Talk about 'beating you over the head with the Word'...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

For Reasons I Can't Explain


( lowercase ) bringing a period of rest.

 I'm calling it a Cooking Sabbatical. I'm 'bringing the rest' to my kitchen.  It's going to be  glorious.

1. Why?
    I am married to someone WHO ACTUALLY LIKES EATING CEREAL FOR SUPPER! One of his superior qualities, I might add.

  I will not go near the stove. I will act afraid of it. If I touch it, I will slap my own hand. I will barely get close to the microwave, and that's only in a moment of weakness. I will break out the can opener...and do a little jig.

This very moment. My official sabbatical started two seconds ago. However, my subconscious has been trying to convince me to do this for years. I think most sabbaticals last at least six weeks. By my calculations, that should carry me to the holidays. Whereupon I will immediately order our 'takeout' Thanksgiving meal from the local deli. Trust me, I've got it all figured out. I may never cook again!

4. Where?
The entire state of Alabama. And Georgia. And Texas. Let's just say The Entire USA=No Cooking Zone.

5. What?
About the human eating machine that has moved in? (aka teenage son who needs MEAT?)

Hmmm... Well, uh, um,...maybe he could learn to love cereal?
 Somebody needs to invent roast flavored cereal.

I think my next sabbatical will be the bathrooms...and then grocery shopping...and then the laundry...and then...

Friday, September 24, 2010

And Then You Die...

This first picture is about love...And if for any reason this is their last day on planet earth you will always have this photo, this sweet, huggy photo as your final memory. And you will always question, what exactly WAS  Mr. Wonderful trying to do?

While the picture below is about hate.

Pure unadulterated HATE. What unholy thing did this to me?? What could have possibly caused me to lose my mind and put my au natural middle aged face on national TV  this blog, for everyone to see??

Spawn of Satan and Rosemary's baby all rolled into one enormous piece of hideous machinery!
You gettin' my drift? Yo, dat thing be evil.

 I melted into a jillion tiny pieces of light, and saw my last brownie flash before my eyes.

And then I went and took a shower.

What do you mean, Is that really me?!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Happiness Is...

Remember the other day when I threw a hissy- fit and Demanded a new camera? After sobbing and  writhing around on the floor for awhile, I wiped my tearstained face and looked up at our coffee table. Not only did I give a little smile of admiration for the table itself ($2 bucks from a garage sale, looks like Pottery Barn...) BUT I also saw you-know-who. My little *droid* friend.  He winked at me, and said, "Come here my love. I am not only a phone, a computer, a masterpiece of human intelligence, I AM A CAMERA!"

And so I give you my newest "piece de la resistance"
AKA: Pure Joy!
Posted by Picasa

See this? This is my new 'Fall' purse which I just purchased at TJMaxx.

And this my friends, is my AS SEEN ON TV purse organizer. Purchased for a mere $4.99, it has not only changed my life, its saved me countless hours of worthless digging into the bottomless pit of darkness, known before this moment as, well, the bottom of every purse I've ever owned.   Not only has this brought a song of joy to my heart, cashiers around the world have lifted their voices in unison to sing Hallelujah!
 No longer do they have to wait while I dig for that dime, I just know I have one... feel around, feel around...exhausted, I come up for air and  blow a small piece of lint off my index finger...feel around, feel around... Here it is! Wait, no that's a penny... 

As a parting gift and because I thought you might be as nosy as I am, here's a closeup...if this isn't itimacy, I don't know what is...

Saturday, September 18, 2010

I Hope You Don't Mind I Put Down In Words...

 On this day, many, many, many...many years ago, in a galaxy far far away, called West Texas, an adorable little child with big dark eyes and a head full of dreams was born...

 her name was Barbara Carol. We just call her Mom. I love you mom! Or Mother.  Have you talked to Mother? Or Moppy.  I wub you Moppy! Happy bwirfday MoppyI miss you Moppy! What did you get me for my bwirfday Moppy? Moppy, can we go shopping?  She entered the world with a song in her heart and a glint in her eye.
I'll never forget as an awkward fourteen year old looking through my mom's old high school yearbook.  There she was, on a separate 8x10 page, voted "MOST POPULAR". Wow!!!  It was like I'd just discovered I was related to a movie star.
 "Mom, what was your secret?"
"Secret?", she replied.
I pointed to the poster size version of her stardom.
"Oh, that? I was just myself. Trust me, you'll be popular too. Be nice, be friendly, no problem."
Ah, such naivete.
My mom.  She's bold,  and one of a kind. She almost always  'goes for it!' It's one of her very best qualities. Even if the rest of us are huddled together in fear...She's pushing us, calling out to us, encouraging us.

She and my dad were high school sweethearts. She met him at a church social and when she found out he worked at the local grocery store, she bought gum and went through his checkout line. Every. Single.Day. Until he noticed her. Then, she married him.   My mom has loved my dad for 50 years now. From young love to old love...

Here we've reached the talent portion of this little docu-drama. My mother is a garage saler LIKE NONE OTHER! Excuse me while I go change into my 9th grade pep squad uniform, complete with pom poms.
It's cheer time!
"Go mom! Get that lamp, buy that chair, you're the best EVERYWHERE!! whoo-hoo!"
I just tried to do the splits. Not a good idea.
Anyway, one time she found a Tiffany lamp, a REAL Tiffany, at a garage sale for $15.00. And then she sold it for boo-koos of money.
She really is like a movie star.

Did I mention that she gardens? In fact Mr. Wonderful and I got married in my parents backyard. It was so beautiful! One enchanted evening, the perfect setting for a new beginning.
We've had countless talks about life and love and God and faith. We've argued and cried, and made up. We've laughed until we cried, vacationed, and painted so many rooms I've lost count. We've been together in good times and in bad times, and times so sad the depth of it seemed insurmountable. 

But there's always Halloween. My mom. She's wacky and funny and fun, and never more so than when she gets to put on a costume. And act like she's butchered someone.

 Here's to you mom.
I hope we have many more Halloweens, and long talks, and chances to love and laugh and pray together.    Happy Birthday!

Friday, September 17, 2010

I Want It Now!

Just call me Veruka... " I WANT IT NOW!! "
A fancy schmancy camera that takes breathtaking pictures that I can make even more fancy schmancy using photoshop!   I WANT IT NOW!!   I WANT IT NOW!!

Veruka Chubby. I think it has a nice ring to it.
I'm going to go suck my thumb and rock in the corner for awhile...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Fairy Princess Grows Up

Yesterday I talked to my oldest daughter.

She's preparing to graduate from COLLEGE this December. For some reason I was thinking she was just finishing kindergarten... I have no idea how this happened. One minute she was a fairy princess and

 the very next minute she was saying, "Mother, puh-lease. I am soooo much more than a fairy princess."
I'm going to change the world.

So she went and got her own apartment, then  marched on Washington D.C. She even took a trip to Europe to enhance her education. It seemed like alot for a kindergartner to take on, but she assured me she could handle it.
My beautiful princess.
I never dreamed you'd be a college graduate AND a dog whisperer.
You really are so much more.
Well done.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Outside? What's That? Never Heard of It...

Welcome to Hell

I haven't exercised in over two weeks. Shocking!!, but true. I haven't seen sunlight. With only the dim flicker of the television and the half naked people on Dancing with the Stars to keep me going, its been  a long month.  Let me explain.
Period. The end.
I knew you'd understand.
Yes, it was warm in June, toasty in July, and scorching in August. Still I walked, being the faithful fitness chubby guru that I am.  But those were the summer months when it all made sense. Now it's September. The air should have a crispness about it. I should be developing a taste for apple cider and strolls in the country, waving friendly-like at my neighbors.I should be preparing to don my freshly polished skates and heading to the local pond which should be almost frozen over by now. And because I don't know how to iceskate, I'd break through and almost drowned and a big ta-doo would be made. Plus, I'd be burning lots of calories.
 Instead I've got visions of flies and cold gatorade dancing in my head. While sweat trickles down by face.
And that's sitting inside my house.
 I am eating animal crackers, which are very low in sugar, and I'm watching tennis. That counts for something.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I May Faint From Excitement!

I admit it. I'm slow on the uptake when it comes to the newest, the latest and greatest in technology.
But, I'm not AS SLOW as some of you...
I've never been one to point fingers, unless they're spirit fingers and they're bringing the love.

So for all you folks still living in the dark ages I want to point out my TOP THREE discoveries, guaranteed to CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!

1. Pandora Radio
I love, love, LOVE this free internet radio that comes streaming into my home. Mostly I love that I can build whatever kind of music I like. I have a 'come to Jesus meetin' every morning...with artists like Kari Jobe, Keith Green and Chris Tomlin I really have no excuse for the bad attitude I displayed the other day. I'm so ashamed Mother! It was my raging hormones, I swear!

WARNING: When trying to upload Pandora on my mobile device without using the old lady reading glasses that are required AT ALL TIMES, I accidentally chose some kind of Satan worshiper music. I'm not lying...

2. Smart Phones
These things are soooooo smart. They're smarter than me, that's for sure. And I KNOW they're smarter than...well, I hate to mention names. You know who you are, and you need to get one of these things, El Pronto. You can text by talking into the phone instead of typing. That feature alone makes me swoon with joy because I've never been a good texter. You can also check your email, find your way anywhere in the world with the built in GPS, and get on facebook. Not to mention blog. Not to mention check your bank balance. Depressing? I know. But, still.

WARNING: The texting microphone feature can be a little tricky to use. For example, it translated "I love you Wendell Barry" to  "I love you window fairy".  Oh, well. I sent it anyway. He understood what I meant....I think.

3. Skype
Puh-lease. I just clued in to this little wonderment of free talking while looking at the person. AWESOME! I've heard through the grapevine that this Skype thing has been around for years.
 But did I know this? NO, I did not. If you have kids that are miles and miles away, like I do, and you miss them like crazy, like I do, then this is the device for you. Go now and purchase a little camera and microphone, get on Skype, which is free, and talk with tears in your eyes begging the little ones to come visit.

WARNING: People can SEE YOU. Put some clothes on.
I love my smart phone, don't you sister?!
Shutup, my big toe's about to snap off.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

About Me, and Other Personal Details

First let me say, I've missed you. It's been what...4 whole days and nights without talking to you, my loyal readers and I've felt every second we've been apart.

Ohhhh, here it comes. The break out into song..."Papa can you hear me?"
From the soundtrack, Yentl. (Why didn't my mother name me an interesting name like Yentl? She actually told me I was named off of a soap opera character. Are you kidding me?)

Anywho, Seriously. I. have. missed. you.
Our daily chats are very important to me. You're an excellent listener. That's an important quality for any friendship and it's what makes ours so deep.
(Group Hug.)

So here's a quick rundown of what's going on in my life:

1. I bought the new diet stuff called SENSA. You sprinkle it on everything you eat and it's supposed to make you feel so wonderfully satisfied that you eat ALOT less. Yes it sounds too good to be true, Yes that's why I bought it. In about 6 months I'm supposed to see DRAMATIC results. I'll keep you posted. If you never hear me speak of it again, you'll know why. Chubbywubby gots nuttin' to report.

2. I am working as a real estate assistant. Yes, you read that right. ASSISTANT. Yes, I used to be an agent. It's not your imagination, I'm sliding down the rungs of the business ladder so fast it ain't even funny!
But I like the job and I'm thinking of wearing reading glasses with a little chain around my neck so that I can complete the  look. Sigh...

3. I'm planning on starting classes in October. It's my grand return to college AGAIN.

Let's talk tomorrow, shall we? I want to hear all about your life, what you've been thinking and what you're planning on cooking  for Christmas this year...

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Keep On Truckin'

I'm on the road AGAIN.
Music blaring, windows rolled down to take it all in. From the Sonic lady, I mean.
Yep, there's nothing like the open road, a diet cherry limeade, and love songs. Lots of sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs love songs as majestic oak trees and fields of peanut plants whiz by in a blur, all while keeping my one good eye open for blue light specials.

I love a good road trip anytime of year. I was explaining this to my middle child, the wise and witty Brooke.

" I wish I could do something for a job that allowed me to drive the highways and byways, to cross the great plains of the central states, feel the ocean air of the west coast, and take in the cool crisp breeze of Colorado's rocky mountains. Free---dom!"

Uh, mom, that's called 'bein a trucker."

Eureka!! I didn't even think of that!
Hey there good buddy, this is Cutty-Thorny comin' at ya through a maze of  shopping malls...

(If you don't know what/where/why Cutty Thorny exists, it's deep, it's profound, and hard to explain. Read the old post, I'm Going To Be Famous.)

Until next time good buddy, I'm signing off. I'm heading out to my rig, also known as a Kia spectra, and zipping my way over to IHOP to meet up with my girls.

'Cause that's what we ramblers do...if I see you out there, be sure to give me the signal and I'll blow my horn for ya...

Ahhhh, DESTINY...