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Sunday, October 17, 2010

I'm In Mourning...

 Ya'll-
Today my metabolism died. Yes, today. As in fifteen minutes ago. How do I know? How does a mother know what her baby cries for? Because she KNOWS. And after 2 weeks of diligently killing myself on the torture contraption known as the makes me sweat buckets and almost pass out Nordic Track, I have actually gained a pound. It ain't muscle. Let's not play games. Sheesh! Trust me, I wasn't even doing it to lose weight, I came into Thigh Acceptance years ago, however...are you kidding me????

Yes I vaguely recall hearing about this at family gatherings. Old aunts and cousins sittin' around talkin about hysterectomies and leakage problems. I had no idea what they were actually saying.
This 'Middle-Age Spread , Death by Carbohydrate Consumption, Drop That Chocolate or You WILL Weigh 400 Pounds By Morning'. reality.
I thought FOOLISHLY it was an old wives tale. And that my mother simply didn't exercise enough.
But now I know the truth. And the truth will set you free.
My hair will thin. My neck will continue to grow extra skin. It will eventually disappear. My hiney will get wider. My candy addiction will grow stronger. My bladder will get weaker.  My candy addiction will grow even more powerful...give me sour straws or give me death! 

I'm going to go lay down for awhile, wearing all black of course.

6 comments:

ethelmaepotter! said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Or I guess that should be your gain.

Been there, done that. Yep, metabolism is one of those things that just eventually gives up the ghost and DIES. Mine passed away prematurely at age 48 - I have been donning black almost every day in the ensuing 6 years.

You know, there's another old wives tale that's actually true - clothes stored for several years really DO shrink. I know this for a fact. That pink floral blouse with the little pearl buttons and flounced waist that I wore once a week when I was 18 wouldn't fit my 6 year old niece now. It's the heat and humidity. I'm sure of it.

I think I'm going to go store myself in the attic for 35 years.

Allyson & Jere said...

Seriously.....so depressing! Thanks for the downer this morning..I so needed THAT! Hmph! I'm gonna go eat another cookie, just to spite it all.

Kim said...

Hilarious and yet sad at the same time! I guess since we can't change mother nature we might as well laugh with the changes. Love ya!

Kate said...

Well. Thigh acceptance. Yep. Belly acceptance. Sure. But the end of hope? Damn.

Beach House Living said...

Hmmm. Great more ugh to look forward too. As someone who has the capacity to put on 32#'s in 28 days and have it take two years to lose this is not happy news.

Beach House Living said...

Oh, I think I will dive into a bag of chocolate covered pretzels to feel better.