Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Amazon Woman Goes Beserk!

Okay. It Has To Be Addressed:

What, praytell, must be addressed?
Oh, you know. The fact that I'm an Amazon.
We might as well discuss it and get it out of the way.

I'm sure you had no idea I was an Amazon Woman. You thought I was on the small, petite, short, cute, reasonably chubby side of life. Didn't you?
Or, you thought I was medium, beautiful, gorgeous, sorta kinda tall, and reasonably chubby. Didn't you?
But you didn't know I was gigantic, large, very large, huge, humongous, and almost beyond reasonably chubby. DID YOU?
Whew. I didn't think so. Because if you did know and you didn't tell me, why, I don't know what I would do...Prank call you? Saran wrap your toilet seat? Lash out and say ugly things? Yo mama wears army boots. But, you didn't know. Now you do. We all do and I feel so much better.
Thus, I give you proof.
Did I really just say 'thus'?

Look at the picture above.
No, stare at it.
Do you see what I see? My BOOBs are the same size as the new families heads. And, I'm 7ft. tall. I had to get on my knees just to be in the picture.
Shocking, isn't it?
I don't know why I'm so shocked. I've always been the tallest in my class. It all began at birth. Hospital nursery? Tallest. Entire human race? Tallest. New York City skyline? Tallest. Always the Tallest. And now the Biggest.
There are some benefits to being an Amazon. For example, I need not fear running out of gas on a lonesome, dark highway. I can pick the car up with my brute strength, which all Amazons possess, and carry it on my back to the nearest gas station. I can also carry 5 children on one hip at the same time. And cook supper while sewing matching denim jumpers for the family. Yes, these are the benefits. Who cares if I can't find a jogbra that fits even after looking for hours and going to thousands upon thousands of stores?

Let me know if you need help with any heavy lifting...


Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you didn't hear me cackling all the way across the nation. Great stuff.

Well, at least you don't turn green when you get mad. "You no likey Amazon when she angry!"

Great post! Great laugh! Love it.

Beach House Living said...

I on the other hand am short. Back in the day of going out to clubs with friends my shoulders served as arm rests for my Amazon friends.

The Pendle's -- 3700 Mtn Cove Rd said...

I ALMOST spit milk out of my nose, only I wasn't drinking milk...I'm too chicken now that I know you are trying to make it happen.
I did notice how tall you were when I first saw that picture. The boob realization made me cackle so loudly that Wayne called from the other room, "what's going on?" :) I said two words, "Lisa's Blog" and he completely understood.

Kay said...

Actually, Mama and I are reasonably short and with the way we were standing you were also closer to the photographer which only made you appear bigger.
Do you feel any better? Anyway, my face is really round and believe the same size as at least one of your bosoms. How do you spell boosoms, anyway? Is it two o's or three o's?

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

And here I was thinking that you were normal and those other two ladies were miniature pin-heads! Thanks for setting me straight on that.

And by the way -- I think you are "handsome and statuesque"! And you probably have great hips for "bearin' youngins"!

missy said...

HAHAHA..... SNORT! Hehe I gotta catch my breath... You just my my day dear cousin. All the little blue haired old ladys sitting under the dryers at work just looked at me like I have lost my mind. I like to think of us amazons as a special class of people, as I am standing next to a blue haired right now that makes me look and feel 10 feet tall.

reasonably chubby said...

Hey Everbody...Amazon Woman here, just checking in. Beach House, I LOVE short people. They're my favorite people in the whole wide world. :) Alisha, The Pendles, and My cousin Missy-I'm glad you got a good cackle, snort, guffaw...LOL!
Kay, thankyou for trying. It didn't work. My hugeness is not something that is easy to get over.
Doris-I can't decide if I should slap you or kiss you for calling me "handsome"...Was it the moustache? It has been a while. :) Thanks for commenting. It's what I live for. That and cream cheese.

Kate said...

:ove it!!! If only I were tall and strong, I'd join you in Amazon-ville. Too bad. I'm just 'big boned.'

Kate said...

er... Love it. Aparently my fingers are oversized.

The Weathered Bungalow said...

OHHHHHH MYYYY GOSH! You need to write a book! I'm sitting here cracking! I have always been the short one everywhere I go....and SOOO jealous of you amazon women! Can you carry me on your hip? Wouldn't that be fun?!!

Allyson & Jere said...

That was truly hilarious! I happened upon you from another blog, can't htink of it's name. Sorry.

Anyway, thanks for the good laugh. I too feel your "pain" as I'm rather Amazonian and big breasted myself. ALWAYS the tallest, always the biggest. What ya gonna do? I'm 5'10". How tall are you? Just out of curiosity, 'cause you know, you made me, umm, curious.

Oh, and also your post about Jaunita, hysterical.